An idea popped into my head the other day and i want to share it with the world. I often look at other people's lives and experiences and think "damn. my life is boring, everybody else is waaaay more exciting than me."
now while this is factually accurate, its not really healthy. and so i have been wondering how to get over this. and i think i have it: pretend my life is a movie.
hear me out. in real life, when you tell your Temp agency that the one area you don't want to work is the government, and the next place they assign you is the US Courts, that is terrible. but in a movie its HILARIOUS! what's that you say? unbeknownst to you the project they made you work on the whole time turned out to be a racist program with the specific intent of railroading undocumented immigrants into prison? thats awful! oh wait its in a movie? FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD! you obsess about wanting to lose weight, yet your diet regularly includes beer, pizza, and ice cream? CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE SPECIAL FEATURES!
it doesn't have to be depressing though. think about when there is a character you really like in a movie. they've been through some shit, right? they worked some terrible jobs, but made the best of it, right? when i think about my worst job ever, now i laugh. but it took me about 5 years to do that. it was at a movie theatre by the way. well actually its tied with the 1 hour i worked at a phone bank before walking out after hearing the 3rd person in a row call a certain current president a nasty word that starts with "N". and no its not "nincompoop"
Maybe you should imagine your life is like a TV show. The Office is one of the biggest shows on television and everybody's life on that show SUCKS! i mean sure pam and jim, blah blah blah, but lets be real: Jim has "cheater" written all over him. and eventually Pam is gonna blame Jim for her failure as an artist. but for now, its adorable!
the most important thing about your movie is that you HAVE to be the main character. this may sound arrogant, but if you start thinking of yourself as a side character it will end badly. "but wait, you're saying, what about all the side characters in movies who are great?" Doesn't matter. Sure nobody wants to be Jon Favreu's character and everyone all want to be Vince Vaughn's character in "Swingers", but for real, the character must have 27 STI's at this point. plus its so '96 to treat women like shit. Trust me, you need to be the star of your movie. The trajectory of the star is soooo much different than that of the sidekick.
For instance if your life is the 1985 film "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" and you are Sarah Jessica Parker, well done you! you will go on to have a successful life writing a column in the newspaper, buying lots of shoes, and hanging out with women you secretly hate, but pretend to be your best friends. also you marry Ferris Bueller.
However if your life is the 1985 film "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" and you are Shannen Doherty, woe is you. you will be forever known as the annoying high school kid who left a terrible show about annoying high school kids because you couldn't get along with the other annoying high school kids. you'll drink alot. you will go on play a witch on a show with other washed up actresses, and host a reality show on the Sci-Fi channel. also you will be the worst part of a Kevin Smith movie, which is saying something.
Being in you own movie is even easier now that everyone has iPods. you can have a soundtrack to your life, while you are living your life. if you are worried something terrible is about to happen to you, like someone is chasing you or broke into your house, just change your music to something happy, and i'm sure everything will be alright. but not something TOO happy, because then maybe your movie is one of those sketchy horror movies where they play over-the-top happy music while someone gets murdered. like the opening scene to "Deep Red". shit is disturbing.
now i know what you are wondering, and yes Jude Law does play me in my movie. Denzel Washington is my best friend. Judi Dench is my love interest (shut it, she rules) and my dog will be played by a bear.
also i can fly, have super strength, and know how to make a mean falafel.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
No sir, you are the one who is the liar.
So.... i don't know if you know this, but prior to Kanye West interrupting country music's latest attempt to kill itself, there was another outburst all over the news. On Wednesday september something something blah blah blah, President Barack Obama was delivering what some might call an incredibly important speech. Others might call it an hour of my life i'll never get back. During this speech, he said his health care plans would not provide care for illegal immigrants, or as the Native Americans used to call them "Europeans". It was during this fateful statement that Congresswhiteman Joe Wilson from South Carolina yelled "You lie!"
As soon as this was yelled, the room went silent, and Obama stood there staring at the camera. The camera panned to Michelle who looked to be on the verge of tears. and then the president of the united states just broke down and cried, saying "you're right! oh god what have i done?!?!?!" and from then on, no presidents ever lied again. the end.
so joe wilson yelled, and and everyone freaks outs, saying its super disrespectful. however to be fair, in South Carolina its considered disrespectful to even allow black people in the same room as whites, so really Wilson is a progressive.
Since this moment in really boring political history that won't matter in 2 let alone 20 years, Wilson has become the face of a movement. the rich, white, male face of a movement. I speak of course of the Tea Party or "rich whites who don't mind their neighbor's kids being killed for a lie, but sure as hell aren't gonna pay for that kid to be able to see a doctor" movement. i hesitate to call it a movement, but technically what i am about to leave in the toilet is a movement, so i suppose it fits.
But now that Wilson is the poster boy for things i don't care about, i figured i should give him something he really needs right now: attention.
So we all know what Wilson said to Barack Obama, but here is something you might not know, Joe Wilson's real name is Addison Graves Wilson! so right out the gate this guy is a liar. Obama should've been all "oh really ADDISON? i lie? at least i didn't change my name to "joe"! Shit, my first name sounds like a martial art, my middle name was a dictator, and my last name rhymes with a terrorist, and i got elected president of the united states. So tell me who's the liar Addison Graves Wilson sr.?!?!?!"
but obama didn't say that. and thats why the terrorists win.
but here are some other facts about joe wilson i know off the top of my head (aka wikipedia):
In 2002, Wilson was discussing with Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) the possible (but not actual) Iraqi weapons of mass destruction or as the whole thing is now called "the mistake that we should never be forgiven for. ever."
Wilson flipped out on Filner for implying that the US sold Saddam Hussein chemical weapons back when...well back when we were in fact selling Saddam Hussein chemical weapons. Wilson later had to apologize, but i totally bet his fingers were crossed when he did.
once again to be fair, Most americans didn't know about Wikipedia until 2004 , so its totally ok that i'm a college drop-out and i know more about US foreign policy than an elected congressman.
Remember Strom Thurmond? Al Sharpton does. Strom Thurmond was a racist, segregationist senator who was elected and re-elected time and time again in, you guessed it, SOUTH CAROLINA! YAY! well, as i'm sure you all know now, it turns out that despite giving the longest filibuster (by a senator) in history to stop the Civil Rights Act of 1957,Thurmond had an secret child with his black house servant. This child, Essie-Mae Washington Williams, decided to wait until Thurmond died to reveal this to the world, which is REALLY unfortunate, because Thurmond lived to be 100 years old. This seems to be one of the truly sad ironies of our time, because if Thurmond had lived just 6 more years, he would've lived long enough to die from a heart attack from seeing a black man become president.
so what does this have to do with Wilson? Well when Essie-Mae revealed herself to be Thurmond's child, Wilson "publicly doubted" this, which is a nice way of saying he called her a liar on the news. Its not entirely clear if he yelled out "YOU LIE!" in the middle of her statement or not. Maybe he was saving that nugget of rhetorical eloquence for primetime. He then said that whether or not she was Thurmond's daughter, she should've kept it to herself, because it was just a big smear campaign to taint Thurmond. This is ironic since Thurmond was in fact a taint.
The family of Thurmond then announced that it was in fact true, Essie-Mae was Thurmond's child. So Wilson apologized. Then he said he STILL thought she shouldn't have revealed that Thurmond was her father. this is just silly. you can't apologize for something, and then just restate right afterwards and have that be ok. you can't say "i'm really sorry for calling you an asshole, but in my defense you are an asshole." thats not an apology, thats a lie, and as we all know, Joe Wilson doesn't like liars. although, apparently only if they're black. and not actually liars.
ok, now back to present-time Joe Wilson. you may think yelling "you lie!" at the president on national television would have a negative effect on someone's political future. But, within 48 hours of the incident with the president, Wilson received $750,000 in donations. which goes to show you just how fucked up this whole system is. may the circle be unbroken.
So if none of this matters, and nobody is gonna remember it in a year, why do we spend so much time on it? Why does the news cycle endless babble on about meaningless political minutia? To keep our minds away from the 2 wars (that we know about) we are fighting and shouldn't be? To keep us from ACTUALLY coming up with a solution to health care, like... giving people health care? to keep us from asking "how long until we just tear this fucker down??!?!?!"
come to think of it, those are all really good points. shit... why aren't we talking about this stuff? and why OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT KANYE DID?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! AND WHAT THE FUCK, PATRICK SWAYZE IS DEAD?!?!?!??!??!?! FIRST FARAH, THEN MICHAEL, NOW "THE SWAYZ"? LIFE IS JUST SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNFAIR!
nobody puts baby in the corner.
As soon as this was yelled, the room went silent, and Obama stood there staring at the camera. The camera panned to Michelle who looked to be on the verge of tears. and then the president of the united states just broke down and cried, saying "you're right! oh god what have i done?!?!?!" and from then on, no presidents ever lied again. the end.
so joe wilson yelled, and and everyone freaks outs, saying its super disrespectful. however to be fair, in South Carolina its considered disrespectful to even allow black people in the same room as whites, so really Wilson is a progressive.
Since this moment in really boring political history that won't matter in 2 let alone 20 years, Wilson has become the face of a movement. the rich, white, male face of a movement. I speak of course of the Tea Party or "rich whites who don't mind their neighbor's kids being killed for a lie, but sure as hell aren't gonna pay for that kid to be able to see a doctor" movement. i hesitate to call it a movement, but technically what i am about to leave in the toilet is a movement, so i suppose it fits.
But now that Wilson is the poster boy for things i don't care about, i figured i should give him something he really needs right now: attention.
So we all know what Wilson said to Barack Obama, but here is something you might not know, Joe Wilson's real name is Addison Graves Wilson! so right out the gate this guy is a liar. Obama should've been all "oh really ADDISON? i lie? at least i didn't change my name to "joe"! Shit, my first name sounds like a martial art, my middle name was a dictator, and my last name rhymes with a terrorist, and i got elected president of the united states. So tell me who's the liar Addison Graves Wilson sr.?!?!?!"
but obama didn't say that. and thats why the terrorists win.
but here are some other facts about joe wilson i know off the top of my head (aka wikipedia):
In 2002, Wilson was discussing with Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) the possible (but not actual) Iraqi weapons of mass destruction or as the whole thing is now called "the mistake that we should never be forgiven for. ever."
Wilson flipped out on Filner for implying that the US sold Saddam Hussein chemical weapons back when...well back when we were in fact selling Saddam Hussein chemical weapons. Wilson later had to apologize, but i totally bet his fingers were crossed when he did.
once again to be fair, Most americans didn't know about Wikipedia until 2004 , so its totally ok that i'm a college drop-out and i know more about US foreign policy than an elected congressman.
Remember Strom Thurmond? Al Sharpton does. Strom Thurmond was a racist, segregationist senator who was elected and re-elected time and time again in, you guessed it, SOUTH CAROLINA! YAY! well, as i'm sure you all know now, it turns out that despite giving the longest filibuster (by a senator) in history to stop the Civil Rights Act of 1957,Thurmond had an secret child with his black house servant. This child, Essie-Mae Washington Williams, decided to wait until Thurmond died to reveal this to the world, which is REALLY unfortunate, because Thurmond lived to be 100 years old. This seems to be one of the truly sad ironies of our time, because if Thurmond had lived just 6 more years, he would've lived long enough to die from a heart attack from seeing a black man become president.
so what does this have to do with Wilson? Well when Essie-Mae revealed herself to be Thurmond's child, Wilson "publicly doubted" this, which is a nice way of saying he called her a liar on the news. Its not entirely clear if he yelled out "YOU LIE!" in the middle of her statement or not. Maybe he was saving that nugget of rhetorical eloquence for primetime. He then said that whether or not she was Thurmond's daughter, she should've kept it to herself, because it was just a big smear campaign to taint Thurmond. This is ironic since Thurmond was in fact a taint.
The family of Thurmond then announced that it was in fact true, Essie-Mae was Thurmond's child. So Wilson apologized. Then he said he STILL thought she shouldn't have revealed that Thurmond was her father. this is just silly. you can't apologize for something, and then just restate right afterwards and have that be ok. you can't say "i'm really sorry for calling you an asshole, but in my defense you are an asshole." thats not an apology, thats a lie, and as we all know, Joe Wilson doesn't like liars. although, apparently only if they're black. and not actually liars.
ok, now back to present-time Joe Wilson. you may think yelling "you lie!" at the president on national television would have a negative effect on someone's political future. But, within 48 hours of the incident with the president, Wilson received $750,000 in donations. which goes to show you just how fucked up this whole system is. may the circle be unbroken.
So if none of this matters, and nobody is gonna remember it in a year, why do we spend so much time on it? Why does the news cycle endless babble on about meaningless political minutia? To keep our minds away from the 2 wars (that we know about) we are fighting and shouldn't be? To keep us from ACTUALLY coming up with a solution to health care, like... giving people health care? to keep us from asking "how long until we just tear this fucker down??!?!?!"
come to think of it, those are all really good points. shit... why aren't we talking about this stuff? and why OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT KANYE DID?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! AND WHAT THE FUCK, PATRICK SWAYZE IS DEAD?!?!?!??!??!?! FIRST FARAH, THEN MICHAEL, NOW "THE SWAYZ"? LIFE IS JUST SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNFAIR!
nobody puts baby in the corner.
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