Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Turtle Power


        I carried a turtle across the street. I was driving near my current living situation, and in the middle of the street I saw a round shiny thing. I pulled over, quickly realizing that it was a turtle and that this was a very busy street. As I approached the turtle, it’s head and legs shook a bit and then disappeared into it’s shell. I picked it up by the sides of its shell and gently placed it on the side of the street it was headed to, near a small pond. After I put it down, I stared at it for a bit. It wouldn’t move. It kept its appendages hidden from me as though I meant it harm. For all intensive purposes I just saved this turtle’s life, and it was terrified of me.

But frankly it should’ve been. People that look just like me built the deathtrap of a road that turtle was trying to cross. People just like me purposely try to hit turtles crossing the road all the time. My father told me a story of when he was younger, seeing a similar situation of a man stopping on the side of the road the pick up a crossing turtle. But when he picked the turtle up, instead of helping them along to the other side, he turned the turtle upside down and slammed the turtle on the ground as hard as he could. People that look like me have done some pretty messed up things to turtles.

But that isn’t my fault. What is my fault, is if I see a turtle in the middle of the street and don’t help them. But I can’t get all bent out of shape if that turtle thinks I want to hurt them. They have plenty of reasons to. I also need to make sure that I am actually helping them, and not hindering them in any way. Perhaps I don’t pay attention to the direction they are headed? Or perhaps the place I lay them down is filled with toxic road runoff that will harm them? What I should’ve done was ask the turtle how I could help.  And believe me, if you’ve never had a conversation with an non-human, it’s not their fault. It’s because YOU’RE NOT LISTENING. They have plenty to say. You’re just already convinced you know what they’re gonna say. I do this all the time with turtles. I already have my response before they even let me know what they want to talk about. But I have no idea what it’s like to be a turtle. And unless you are a turtle, and to be specific, this turtle, you have no idea either.

But what if this turtle is a snapper? And they snap at me? Well that means I wasn’t listening to them. I need to convince the turtle I mean them no harm before I “help” them. The burden of proof is on the one who is part of the group that made the roads, and the pollution, and the sexism, and the racism, and the transphobia, and the homophobia. Oh, and sorry Apple Pages and Microsoft Word, but putting a red dotted line under the word “transphobia” doesn’t make it not real.

If I want to get frustrated at anyone over the fact that this turtle is terrified of me, all I should do is look in the mirror. People that look just like me have made life hell for turtles for hundreds of years. And I want a pat on the back for taking this turtle across the road? I suppose I could be overcome with guilt and desperation at the thought that thousands of turtles will die because of people that look like me. But where would that lead me? It doesn’t seem to stop the turtles from living their lives. In fact they go on day by day living life as they want. They will understand the world in ways I can only dream of. They will live lives of meaning that I could never possibly contemplate. They will live on, despite the damage that people who look like me do to them. They will make it.

And what I can do is be an ally. And like all good allies I will ask them what they need me to do. Not what I WANT to do, but what they need me to do. I will be there. And though I get angry at the thought of a car hitting a turtle crossing the road, I won’t randomly attack cars. I won’t get all macho and rip my shirt off saying “HOW DARE YOU? I AM THE PROTECTOR OF THESE PRECIOUS TURTLES!!! FEEL MY WRATH!”  

No. I will try to help turtles across the street. I will try to  stop traffic and make sure the turtle gets to their pond safely. I will do my best to let the turtles know I am there to help, but that they are the ones running the show. That is what I’ll do.

But make no mistake: if the time comes, I will side with the turtles over those who look like me, any day of the week.

 So cis-gender straight white dudes, our number is almost up. Do you wanna be Casey Jones? Or do you wanna be Krang? I can’t even say that with a straight face. Casey Jones kicks SO MUCH ASS!. There should be no debate.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Press Conference from the President of Awesome

The following is from a press conference put on by Reuben. If you didn't hear about it, you probably weren't invited. Feel bad about that, because ALL the cool people were there. Sucks to be you. For realsies.


Hello there people of the United States, and thank you for coming here today. It is with great sadness in my heart that i stand before you here today. I wish this could be avoided, however my mama and pappy back at the farm (and of course by farm I mean house in the suburbs) raised me right. I can no longer deny what you have all been assuming was true. So let me unequivocally say, to set the record straight: YES. All politicians are fucking dumbasses.

While it hurts to say that, I feel as though a great weight has been taken off my chest. Now before I enter into the barrage of questions let me answer one question that I anticipate:

Yes, ALL politicians. Of course I cannot speak for those politicians in other countries, but EVERY politician in the United States is a dumbass. A total dumbass.

Alright, I will now be taking questions. Yes Tom.

Tom: Can you give examples of politicians being dumbasses? It seems to be a pretty sweeping statement.

Reuben: Are you serious? (brief pause) No no really, I am asking you if that was a serious question.

Tom: um…. Yes.

Reuben: Wow. And you work in journalism? dag. Ok here are a few examples off the top of my head:
if you are a person of ANY fame and/or authority STOP TAKING NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF. Look we all want to feel attractive or hot. Shit, sometimes I want to be straight up objectified. But guess what? That’s YOUR shit. We don't need to know about it. And if you put that shit on the net, we are gonna find out. Stop sending gross pictures of your boners to people. Not only is it gross, but you’re gonna get caught. In all honesty I originally assumed the whole Weinergate thing was on purpose. I thought, after seeing some other humorous things Anthony Weiner had done, that he Tweeted a picture of his penis or something like it, so that he could prove that the US media is just a bunch of idiots. Instead, it turns out he is just a creep. A creep and a dumbass. Next question, Dale.

Dale: Does your new revelation that “all politicians are dumbasses” include actor/politicians like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Reuben: First Dale, I would like to point out how TRULY offensive it is to call Arnold Schwarzenegger an actor. Struggling actors everywhere are trying their best to not give up on their entirely foolish and unobtainable dream of making a living playing pretend, and its comments like that, that make it harder and harder everyday for these sad, clueless bastards not to just end it all right now.

So to answer your question, yes, obviously Arnold is a dumbass. He ran for governor of California while having had a love child for a few years already. He’s been covering it up his ENTIRE political career. This means he was a dumbass BEFORE he even got into politics.

The only way he could've been more of a dumbass was if he unsuccessfully ran for president, twice, and ran for vice-president, and the whole time he had an affair with an aide, who then had a kid, that he made another aide claim was his. And then he denied it a bunch, but eventually got caught. Oh, and then his wife gets cancer. And dies.

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards.

Reuben: What?

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards. You just listed the events of his life from the last couple years.

Reuben: wait… are you….you're shitting me right? I literally just listed the shittiest things I could think of, in no particular order. That actually happened? Someone actually did all that?

Dale: yes. John Edwards.

Reuben: whoa, wait…. The hair guy? HOLY SHIT! How have we not tarred and feathered this asshole yet? Wow. Do I even need to take anymore questions? Obviously these people are assholes. Yes, Sam.

Sam: Does this statement include former politicians, and people who have shown interest in the presidency?

Reuben: yes, both Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are dumbasses. Look the Paul Revere thing was an honest mistake. it was and easy screw up to make. i often forget blatantly obvious historical facts, like which side won in the Civil War, who was Hitler?, and how many fingers and toes do i have?

But trying to pretend like you were referencing a barely known fact about the guy is an obvious ploy. You screwed up Sarah, and you should’ve just said so. But do you know why you didn’t? because you are a dumbass.

Sam: What about Trump?

Reuben: I commented on him already.

Sam: No you didn’t.

Reuben: wait for it…(long pause)

(let the record show that all at once the present members of the press gasped and covered their noses)

Reuben: There we go. One final question… Sandra.

Sandra: While this has been an interesting look into the junior high-like scatological humor that is most likely running around your head every day, you still haven’t really explained why you think all US politicians are dumbasses. The people of the United States have a right to know why.

Reuben: Ok, I’ll try. To be a politician in this country you have to believe in the system that runs it. Sure, you can say “you need to be in the system to change it”, but that doesn’t change the fact that you think the system itself should be in place. Also it’s a totally shitty argument. You could probably change the KKK from inside, but how about instead, we just get rid of the KKK?

To be politician in this country you have to believe that majority rule is the best way to get things done. You have to believe that one person should make sweeping decisions for a whole town, let alone a state or country. You have to believe that the forefathers of this country were anything other than wealthy, racist, misogynistic, genocidal elitists . You have to have never ever read a history book. You have to look at the Electoral College and say “yeah that makes sense”. You have to know that the Supreme Court has no oversight other than themselves, and that they stay in power for life and say “What could go wrong?”. You have to change what you believe to one of two paths, no matter how much you think they both suck, and mock people who want to start a third party. You have to convince people that your opponent is a child molester while you personally cured AIDs, cancer and acne before the age of 10. And most of all, you have to honestly believe that you personally are better at making choices for people then they themselves are. You have to believe that everyone else is a dumbass, but you are not.

Thank for your time and God Ble..

Sandra: (interrupts) Will you consider running for office?

Reuben: (long pause) No, because the only thing worse than a dumbass is a smartass.

Thank you and good night.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lets Burn This Mother Down! oh wait... we already are.

i hate earth day. i really hate it. so much.

why do i hate earth day? where do i start? well first, remember when you were little and you asked your folks "there is a mother's day, and a father's day, so why is there no kid's day?" and they were all "because EVERY day is kid's day" and in your head you said "bullfuckingshit."? remember that? well here is the thing EVERY day should be Earth day. the fact that every day we don't take minute to realize how insane it is that we are alive on this rock flying through space, and that this rock has just the right amount of everything to let us live, is crap. total crap. Every day should be Earth day. which really means that NO day should be Earth Day. we shouldn't have to pick a day each year to be like "oh right, pollution sucks, or something".

there is a reason Captain Planet sucked as a TV show. its because we shouldn't have to be told that saving the earth is cool. it should just be known. it should be part of our mindset from a young age, the same way breathing is. we shouldn't have to have a pale body builder in red underwear and a green mullet to let us know that shitting where you eat is a bad idea.

As we all know, Earth Day is a day where we make ourselves feel better about being the most destructive inhabitants on the face of the planet, by wearing the color green, and maybe even thinking about possibly starting to someday if we're in the right mood, and we've got nothing else going on, finally start reading Rachel Carson's Silent Spring. Or not. i mean i think i got the basic idea on Wikipedia, so.... no need to read that actual book. plus i totally know what she is gonna say. so..yeah.

but i am getting ahead of myself. For those who don't know, the US Earth Day idea was started by a senator from Wisconsin, Gaylord Nelson. the story goes that he saw an oil spill was disgusted, and decided that Americans needed to learn and talk more about the environment. I realize that it is hard to believe that a politician saw and oil spill and didn't automatically blame the other political party, or start justifying it, or looking for blame, then saying "SEE!!! this is why we should have nuclear energy!" but i suppose it could've actually happened this way.

since then, (for the most part) we have celebrated Earth Day, at some point in April. nobody can really remember when. What does it mean in the US to celebrate Earth Day? who fucking knows. i still have to go to work. Some other holidays i don't have to go work. But i guess the Earth just isn't as important as say.... a lost Italian captain with a soft spot for slavery and genocide. Some things truly do deserve a national holiday.

Sometimes on Earth Day there are concerts (using large amounts of non-renewable energy) to celebrate the Earth. Sometimes washed up former Vice-presidents, and other famous people give vague talks about change. great. thats SUPER helpful. but has it changed anything? not really. Celebrating the wonderous miracle that is the planet we live on by putting on shitty concerts, and buying "green" goods, is like celebrating the sacrifice of someone's life for the sins of all humanity by pretending a gigantic rabbit with a basket lays colored eggs filled with diabetes for children to search for.

well i am sick of being the only one at the party who is in a bad mood about this shit. so in honor of one of my least favorite holidays i would like to present the jury with these fun party pooper ideas, that hopefully will ruin your Earth Day:

the recycling symbol is a corporate logo.
thats right. that 3-arrow triangle we all know and love, and have on our fair-trade hemp t-shirts we paid $40 for are no different then the Coke symbol. see back in the day, the mess of empty bottles from soda, juice, etc was dealt with by the producers of these products, not the consumers. Bottlers used to use glass bottles, not plastic, for their products and then would collect them when people were finished with them, take them back to the factories, and reuse those bottles. after all, they PRODUCED the trash, so shouldn't they take care of it? however a wave a change happened with bottlers, and soon they pushed the responsibility of dealing with this trash onto the consumer. they started talking about civic duty of consumers, and soon recycling the trash was OUR job, not theirs. Reacting to the first Earth Day, the Container Corporation of America held a contest for students to come up with a logo to "raise awareness of environmental issues". the now famous triangley-arrow thingy was created by a college student. and the rest is history.

The Crying Indian is a Fake and a Corporate Stooge.
we've all seen it. the classic ad and billboards of the (non-desrcipt)Native American crying as he sees trash being thrown on the ground. or floating on a river. or both. well guess what people, i've got 2 mind bombs i'm about to throw at you. number 1: the Native American in that PSA was Sicilian-American. Not even a teeny bit Native American. nope. He lied about it pretty much until he died. whoops.

here is the other fun fact: that ad was made by Keep America Beautiful, a corporate front for greenwashing. as documented in Heather Rodgers' brilliant book Gone Tomorrow: The Hidden Life of Garbage, KAB was created in response to the (dirty, hippie) state of Vermont's attempt to outlaw disposable containers. All of the sudden the national conversation was changed from "why do we have all this awful plastic?" to "why aren't you people putting the trash in the trash can?!?! do you like it when Indians cry?!?! you heartless bastards!!!" and the next thing you know, we're all talking about litter and not the fact that companies are producing toxic products for us to consume. awesome. also they get some of their funding from Sherwin-Williams, the "paint the world" people, with the most depressing logo ever, of the earth getting dumped with a bucket of paint. KAB also gets funding from Phillip Morris, the death company. so.... do i need to say more?

Recycling is a load of crap.
ok, hold up. its not COMPLETELY a load of crap. the idea of reusing and recycling things is not a bad idea, and should be encouraged. However, one thing recycling does do, is take everyone's mind off the idea of consumption. "we can consume as much as we want, because the when we are done with the plastic, glass, metal etc. we used, it can just be recycled, right?" this also, as mentioned before, takes the pressure off of producers. they're not creating waste. "they're creating recycleable material. and maybe even GREEN JOBS!!! can you even imagine?!?!"

now some of you are probably saying "ok, but we have all these bottles, and we need to do SOMETHING with them". this is true. but if we never address the fact that we continually create these things that are detrimental to the environment, bad things are gonna happen. the mindset of recycling cuts out the part where we talk about why the hell we have all this plastic and metal, and paper to begin with.

and then there is this: recycling often isn't even recycling. boom. mind explosion. assuming you separate all your this from your that, there is still the question of how much of the stuff you put in that adorable blue bucket that you put on the street (again, assuming your city/town has a recycling program) ends up actually being recycled. Recyclable materials are essentially a commodity. there are some that are more valuable then others. and as usual, when money is the bottom line, we get screwed.

"but wait" you say, "Free Market yada yada, and people will make the right choices when money is involved, and Barry Goldwater and stuff, and something else about markets." ok, i'll play this game. even though deep degrees of poverty and a huge gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots" should pretty much have made us all realize that this line of thinking is NOT WORKING. but whatever, lets do this. people will do the right thing because its monetarily in their best interest. sure. so lets try that out. here is a quote from the lovely Discovery Channel explaining it much better than me.

"Unless you follow your recyclables through the entire process until they're made into new prodcuts it's impossible to say for certain if your materials are actually being recycled. But, logically, the reason you can feel assured that most of your recyclables actually get recycled is because they have a dollar value."

great! i guess we've got nothing to worry about. except here's the thing, Elizabeth Royte in her fantastic book Garbage Land, does actually follow her recyclables through the entire process, and guess what? *spoiler alert* LOTS OF SHIT DOESN'T GET RECYCLED. it gets trashed because its useless to the companies that buy recycled commodities. either its such low quality that its impossible to recycle, or its more expensive to recycle it than it is to produce new stuff. of course its never brought up what sort of environmental repercussions there might be from producing new stuff. its more expensive to recycle, and so they don't. which proves what is implied in the Discovery quote: its all about money. and when its all about the money, we get screwed.

at best, only 50 percent of what gets thrown in the recycling bin actually gets recycled. and since that percentage looks pretty small when you realize how much we don't even throw in that bin, things start to look grim. even if half of the new stuff are made from recyclables, you still have the other half that we need to make from somewhere. and as things get recycled, their quality downgrades. so eventually that recycled bottle can't get used, and ends up in a landfill. but thats ok, because landfill's aren't that bad right?

Landfills Will Murder Your Children. Seriously.

Even the hardest of hard hearts must kinda pause for a moment when thinking about landfills. "So... we take all this disgusting garbage and toxic mess... and then we bury it. in the ground. then what?"

exactly. then what? one of the main problems with landfills, is that eventually they fall apart. it might not be in my lifetime, but it probably will be in our kids' lifetimes. the idea behind landfills, is that eventually someone smart enough will figure out how to deal with all that nasty shit. because we can't burn it. well, we can and we have, but the awful smoke from burning trash looks terrible, and is toxic, and eventually towns and cities don't like the idea of inhaling that stuff. so more and more that option is going away.

we could send it out to sea. but then this happens.

so looks like its just landfills. however most landfills in the US are under private contract. you can't go visit them, to make sure they are following regulations. In Gone Tomorrow, Rodgers talks about how landfill linings are what keep the toxic shit from getting into the dirt and the water. so they've got it covered? awesome. but not really. see, private company has a contract with the State for say 75 years. the lining lasts 100 years. meaning when the company is done with its contract, the responsibility is now on the State, or more likely the local people. when that lining wears away, and people start getting sick from their water being contaminated, nobody is responsible for it. fun stuff, right?

Al Gore is a Turd.
Not literally. but certainly in a lots of ways, he is a poop. There are tons of reasons why Gore is not quite the environmental leader we assume/wish he was. but i just want to focus on a teeny tiny bit of his film. Since many people were really moved by An Inconvenient Truth this is a hard pill for a lot of liberals to swallow. Its not that the facts in the movie were wrong, or that it should be that hard to believe that a guy who had Joe Lieberman as his running-mate cares AT ALL about us. its really that fun little bit in the end of the film where after feeling like we are screwed for 90 minutes, he lists all the wonderful things we can do to lower our carbon emissions. i certainly felt better. i almost wrote my CongressMAN. almost. almost. however what he fails to mentions is that if EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the US followed the guidelines at the end of the film, the carbon emissions for our country would only drop 22 percent. to have a real effect, the WORLD carbon emissions, not just the US of A, BUT THE CARBON EMISSIONS OF THE WHOLE WORLD, need to go down 75 percent. What Gore's guidelines do is instill a false sense of hope, that shouldn't exist. He makes us believe that all we have to do is buy the right lightbulb or shower head things will be great. don't STOP buying, just buy green stuff. no need to change our consuming culture. just "go green" and everything will be ok. well it won't. so stop falling for this shit.

You can cause an environmental catastrophe, and a year later nobody cares.
British Petroleum. you sly motherfuckers. Not only did you DESTROY the gulf, and pretty much the entire coast of Louisiana, but you got paid 10 million dollars to do it. and yes that is more than the entire budget for the Environmental Protections Agency. Hats off.

Saving the Earth is Against the Law.

Sometimes people take the shit humans do to the earth personally. sometimes people get pushed to a point where they don't want to feel helpless, and want something to get done, and since they have read history books, they know that waiting for the State to fix things is not very productive. So sometimes they feel the need to act. Sometimes they protest. Sometimes they get in peoples' faces about it. Sometimes they try to stop people from possibly bringing a species to extinction and thereby changing the entire biological balance of the ocean, and really the world. Sometimes they free animals that have been tortured. Sometimes they burn shit down. however they rarely, IF EVER, hurt people. but they are still considered terrorists in many places. and then they get sent to jail. They are terrorists and BP gets 10 million dollars. figure that shit out.

Holy shit we love Oil!
i mean we REALLY love oil. if you are reading this on a computer, wearing clothes you did not personally make, then you are literally enveloped in oil and the products of oil. Oil dictates everything about how we live. and guess what? at some point we'll run out.

you know what? instead of me talking about it, just watch Michael Ruppert drop some knowledge.

Now, Michael Ruppert may be nuts, but at this point, the people who are considered sane aren't making a whole lot of sense to me. also, that clip sums up what would've taken me forever to write down, and no doubt i would've peppered with tons of curses, so just watch the clip, ok?

honestly i don't even care anymore. Wear green on Earth Day. do the neighborhood trash pickup. buy some locally grown whatever. make yourself feel good. because that is all Earth Day is about. making ourselves feel good about something we are totally sucking at. its failing the math quiz, but having our mom's still have Dunkaroos and YooHoo waiting for us when we get home. We know we don't deserve it but when she asks us how the test went, we lie to her and to ourselves, and say "i knocked it out of the park!" so she lets us go watch DuckTales. and while TV takes away the pain, and we sit, filled with fake joy at our success, and stuff 7 different types of high-fructose corn syrup into our crumb covered mouths, we have a moment of clarity. just a quick one. a little moment that passes, where we think "oh wait. i was lying to myself". and for a second you realize that those Dunkaroos , that neighborhood cleanup, that local broccoli, those energy saving light bulbs, that Prius, that shorter shower, those fair trade sustainable recyclable whatevers, don't mean a damn thing.

happy earth day. go drink your fucking YooHoo.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

All The News That's Shit To Print

So believe it or not a few people have told me that they missed my blog. So I have decided to grace you sad bastards with my genius again. This is a joke. Nobody reads this. Assholes. Anyways since my last blog entry, shit has gone DOWN. No joke. Shit has literally gone down. I have IBS.

Looking at my blog I realized that the last time I wrote something was August. It is now February. This is just unacceptable. My genius should be shared monthly at the very least. Frankly I think most people would be living better lives if my inner monologue was just pumped into their ears via some sort of mouth to ear sound pumping… thing. Shut up.

The last thing I wrote about was the “Ground Zero Mosque”. And as we all know, 6 months later, this is still a HUGE news story, proving the skeptics wrong: the media does NOT sensationalize stories for a news cycle, and then never report on them again once they’re no longer “fresh”.

Since I am at work and don’t have time to write a well thought out blog, and I going to give my adoring fans the next best thing: a quick not-thought-out rundown of the events of the last 6 months, up to today. What does this mean? It means you didn’t need to read the paper or watch the news for the last half year, because everything you needed to know will now be told to you via the curse-filled rants of sad, slightly overweight office rat. Way to waste your time. You could’ve spent that time doing anything else. But you didn’t you wasted it. you wasted minutes, nay, HOURS of you life. You’ll never get them back. That time is gone. Those moments of your life are dead to you. Moments you could’ve spent making art, reading literature, playing music, playing games, making out with a hotty, sitting in the woods, conversing with the universe. But instead you spent time reading and/or watching the news. And the whole time all you had to do was wait until early February and catch up on the last 6 months in 5 minutes. Sucks to be you.

So here it is, the rundown of all the news that mattered since August:


1.)about ten days after my blog post, Glenn Beck has a rally to restore honor to something or something. Nobody who isn’t an asshole cares.

2.)President Obama announces that combat in Iraq is over and everything is awesome now. Around 50,000 American troops decide stay there for fun. I mean since combat is over, that must be why they're still there. Right?

3.)Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is released in theatres and is universally praised as the best movie ever made, ever. The movie proceeds to kick your ass, then your face, and then you assface.

4.)A guy reads a book about a talking gorilla and takes hostages at the Discovery Channel. Then the cops kill him. The news media interview the author of the gorilla book, marking the first time in 2 years they have interviewed someone who wrote something other than a book on why or why not the president is a socialist.


1.) religious people ALMOST burn a religious book of other religious people. For some reason the media doesn’t equate this with Nazis. However healthcare still equals Nazis.

2.) The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell gets blocked in the Senate. John McCain plans on celebrating this, but by just thinking about it, he breaks his hip.

3.) Stephen Colbert testifies on Capitol Hill for something. People with a bug up their ass get all uppity about it, saying that his testimony mocks Congress, the US government, and the political process in general. Everyone else is like, “uh..yeah, no shit.”


1.) Rahm Emanuel leaves to White House to be an asshole somewhere else.

2.)Despite the fact that it is 2010, people still celebrate Columbus Day. What the fuck?

3.) Christine O’Donnel, a Delaware Republican candidate for Senate, learns the hard way that if you dabble in witchcraft and wizardry of any kind, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Unless you are The Boy Who Lived. Then shit works out. Although you lose your parents and like half of your friends. But whatevs. You’re Harry Potter. You’ll get over it. wait, what were we talking about?

4.) NFL quarterback Brett Favre continues a long tradition of men who don’t understand that sending a woman a picture of your genitalia, is NOT an appropriate way to let them know you want to go steady.

5.) After over 2 months of being trapped in a mine, Chilean miners are finally rescued and brought to the surface. They are not paid for the time they were trapped and “not working”. That’s not a joke.

6.) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert host the “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear” on the National mall, finally proving what many of us have known for awhile: Liberals are just as annoying and stupid as conservatives. And with that joke, i lose everyone who reads the Huffington Post. taadaa!


1.) the San Francisco Giants win the World Series. It is one of the lowest viewed major sporting events in recent history, proving that people love an underdog, but not when they are from a doomed city of Godless sodomites.

2.)The Republicans win control of the House of Representatives via the midterm elections, because people still think voting enacts change. For real! People STILL think that?!?!

3.) Former President George W. Bush releases a book, which means, assuming he actually wrote it, and therefore read each word as he wrote them, former President George W. Bush has ACTUALLY READ A BOOK. My mind just exploded. (Welcome back Huffington readers!)

4.) Prince Williams get engaged. Intelligent people everywhere are baffled by the fact that England STILL HAS PRINCES??!?!? Its ok though, he did have to prove his love by fighting a dragon, and beating a serf to death.

5.)North Korea gets all “North Korea” on South Korea.

6.) Bristol Palin proves she is the most talented member of the Palin family by placing second in a televised dance competition. Dreams really do come true.

7.)Tom Delay get convicted of being a total shit-head. Also for money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering. But mostly for being a shit-head.

8.) President Obama gets his ass kicked in a basketball game, and gets stitches. Liberals try to think of a way to blame Dick Cheney, but can’t. …which is exactly how Dick Cheney planned it. dun Dun DUN!!!!!


1.) President Obama totally sells out and keeps the Bush Tax Cuts. Obama then reminds everyone that he already sold out by joining the Democratic Party in the first place, and taking part in American politics at all, so this really shouldn’t be a big deal.

2.) Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks gets arrested for sexual assault. Assange then wishes he had assaulted the women in the US, and not Sweden, so that instead of going to jail, he’d be going to the Superbowl.

3.) Elizabeth Edwards, former wife of full-time asshole John Edwards dies of cancer after a six year battle. Everyone with a pulse wishes a horrible horrible death on John. Seriously, fuck that guy.

4.) Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally repealed with the signing of the “We’re Running Out of People Who Are Willing To Get Shot At In Afghanistan, So I Guess Gay People Aren’t As Icky Anymore” Act.


1.) Tunisian protesters start something that might change the world as we know it. in the background Billy Joel’s “we didn’t start the fire” constantly plays. Freedom and Billy Joel. It’s a combo that will never fail.

2.) I have a birthday. Other than my family only 5 people wish me a happy birthday. If you were not one of those 5 people, fuck you.

3.) Obama gives the State of the Union speech, an annual speech where the most powerful person in the world tries to pretend like they know what the sort of state their country is in. And since they make triple figures, have the strongest military ever at their command, and live in the most heavily guarded house in the entire world, they usually know whats going on with the rest of the country. they can "relate". Also, newly appointed speaker of the House John Boehner (its pronounced Boner. deal with it) cries a shit ton, and it gets all over his spray tan. Its pretty weird. He's like an aging Ken doll.

4.) Protests in Egypt make other world leaders wonder will happen to them when everyone else figures out this is all bullshit. Then they poop themselves. Its hilarious.

And there we are. We all up to date. Yes I skipped some pretty big stories. Some, because I thought they were too stupid to mention. Others, because they were too heartbreakingly awful for me to make jokes about. I’m an asshole, but not that much of an asshole.

So yeah. You wasted your life reading the news or something. That was the joke right? I can’t even remember. I don’t even want to post this anymore. Oh well.

and yes, that is a picture of me punching news in the face. i know. totally badass.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Jihad Me at Hello

Did you hear?!?! OH THE OUTRAGE!!!! Muslims terrorists want to build a shrine of the 9/11 attacks on the White House!!! And since Obama is a Muslim he doesn’t mind!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AMERICA?!?!??!?!?!

Ok ok, so that’s not quite true. But Muslims Extremists, who hate the US are trying to build a mosque on GROUND ZERO!!!! NOT IN MY LIFE TIME ASSHOLES!!! These colors do NOT run! However the do take brisk walks.

Ok, so actually some Muslims, want to build the equivalent of a Muslim YMCA a couple blocks from Ground Zero.

But still… TERRORISM!!!!!!! Look out!

Are we still at this point where pathetic jingoism is a mainstay in the vernacular of the average American? New polls from some college you've never heard of probably say yes.

For those of you who don’t watch Fox News, there is a proposed Muslim Cultural Center being built 5 minutes from the Ground Zero site. However it keeps getting reported that it is a Mosque, and it’s actually ON GROUND ZERO. Now first of all if this was true, I wouldn’t care. But it’s not true. It’s not a Mosque. There is a Mosque in it, among many other things. Not that any of that should matter. I'm just saying, if a Target shows up in your neighborhood, you can't really say that there is a new record store in town. its just happens to ALSO sell records. Just trying to be fair and balanced here. Speaking of fair and balanced, Fox News reported that 64% of all Americans think the Cultural Center shoudn't be built on Ground Zero. And they have won! because as i mentioned before, it was NEVER planned to be built ON GROUND ZERO. ever. it’s a couple blocks from Ground Zero. Not on it. I know some people who live about the same distance from Ground Zero as this proposed building, and they don’t tell people that the live on Ground Zero. Just because I work near Fenway Park, doesn’t mean I’m Youkilis.

People from all over the accepted political spectrum have weighed in. Everyone from Republicans to Democrats to… well really only those two, have been able to voice their opinions on the news. Sarah
Palin said some stuff, and so did other guy! And also whats-his-face! Even President Obama has voiced his opinion. Of course many people think it’s not his place to comment on the matter. Yet they think it IS their place to comment on it. interesting.

So of course the issue with this whole thing is that Muslims, in the name of their religion took down the towers, and therefore the idea of other, different Muslims setting up a place to hang out anywhere near the site, is just too much for some people to handle. after all, can you imagine being attacked by someone and then having them set up shop in your country? it would almost be like how the US military has army bases in ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY WE'VE EVER ATTACKED. thankfully there haven't been any problems with them yet.

But this whole debate is really making me think. And you know what? The slaughter of large amounts of people in the name of a specific God, and then putting up houses of worship and community in the areas that those slaughters occurred, IS pretty offensive. The idea that so many people died in the name of one religion just seems so terrible and inhumane. This
shoudn't be allowed ANYWHERE! So let’s start taking down EVERY CHRISTIAN CHURCH ON U.S. SOIL.

I’m serious. I will be behind the banning of this Center in NYC, if every other House of Worship on or near a site of slaughter and genocide is taken down first. Which honestly is probably everyone of them. We like to pretend that Europeans showed up on this land, and then slowly the Natives just disappeared or assimilated. nope. we killed them. most of them actually. nations of them. Just because a very small minority of Native Americans are making a killing with casinos, doesn't mean the score is even. The forced "Americanization" of Native Americans is well documented and was widely celebrated until last the 60 years or so. Many Native religions' practices weren't even considered legal until 1978's t00-little-too-late American Indian Religious Freedom Act.

The talk about the Muslim Center being insensitive to the victims' families rings hollow when one looks at how Native Americans are STILL treated today. Leonard Peltier's prison sentence isn't very sensitive. Reservations having the highest per capita poverty rates in the country isn't very sensitive. Not to mention Manifest Destiny. Not to mention,when families of 9/11 victims called for no invasion of Afghanistan or Iraq, called for the US military to leave both countries, nobody listens. Isn't it AS insensitive to ignore the 9/11 families who choose "to trust in our principles rather than cave to our basest fears".

Or is it that sensitivity isn’t really the issue? Is it more that many Americans are fear-based, un-educated bullies, who want to have their cake and eat it too. It couldn’t possibly be that the idea of any other religion than Christianity getting a leg up in this world is too much for our fragile egos to take. “But Islam is so violent.” sure. It’s a religion. But looking at the history of this nation, can we really feel so high and mighty? After all, I believe there was Bible verse that said (and of course i could be paraphrasing here) "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. otherwise, shut the fuck up."

Something like that.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Captain Planet gets his ass kicked

so in case you aren't aware, the world is falling apart. let me rephrase: humans are are tearing the world apart. let me rephrase again, humans from western culture are tearing the world apart. there really is nobody else to blame. are wolves tearing the world apart? no. they're just getting shot to shit by Sarah Palin from her helicopter. and by the way, if that doesn't SCREAM cheap shot, nothing does.

I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news surrounding the BP oil, or trying to jam scissors in your ears every time you hear about it out of despair, like i have; but as it turns out things are not going so great. more to the point, we're screwed. i've always liked george carlin's bit about how we always talk about saving the earth, but honestly the earth will survive, humans are fucked. i think climate change, war, and dumb shit like this huge oil spill make that pretty obvious. however the question remains: how many other species are we gonna take with us?whats your bet? 200? interesting you should say that, because here is a fun fact: 200 species of plants or animals go extinct EVERY DAY. wanna blame that on anybody besides humans and our so called "progress"? who? is it the fault of sea lions? maybe oak trees. how about eggplants. eggplants and their growth and expansion are causing the extinction of 200 plants and animals every day. hmmm…. nope still bullshit. its humans. always will be. at least until we "go dinosaur" and disappear and nature decides to evolve another species into dominant territory. by the way, my bet is on squirrels. i can see it in their eyes. oh the want you to think they are just collecting nuts, but deep down: genocide.

wait, no. thats still just humans.

anyways, back to the environmental catastrophe of a lifetime. who's lifetime? certainly not the shit-tons of animals already dead from getting covered with oil. their lifetimes are over. its cool though. its not like sea turtles are supposed to live a long time. and frankly pelicans were getting a little to high and mighty for my tastes and its nice to see them taken down a few pegs. and by taken down a few pegs i mean smothered in oil, dying with their skin melting off. but who cares right? its not like they are human. its not like the earth is a complicated system that is interconnected. its not like the death of an ecosystem will effect people. its not like we all completely in denial. completely. in denial. 100%. its not like thats whats going on. at all.

speaking of denial, thats the first thing BP did when the Deepwater Horizon exploded; deny deny deny. everything is fine. nobody died. nothing happened. i wish i could have been there for that exec meeting at BP where they are trying their hardest to find a way to spin this. "ok… can we somehow blame illegal immigrants? is this in anyway the fault of taxes?" and then one guy is like "to get the liberals on our side, lets blame Halliburton!" "Good work Jones!" this of course would have to be scrapped, since there is no way to specifically connect illegal immigrants to the spill and tax cuts for oil companies are approved by sellout liberals AND conservatives. the Deepwater Horizon actually HAD contracted Halliburton…but c'mon who cares about that Cheney shit anymore, right? its not the last administrations fault its this one's. unless we are talking about 9/11. that was ALL clinton. and carter. not reagan though.

from denial we move to blame. and as always, blame never lands on "us". it never "our" fault. its always the ~fill in the blank~ 's fault. for instance, the Conservatives blame Obama, while trying to shake the embarrassing mantra of the 2008 RNC “Drill, Baby Drill!”. Yes, they actually chanted that. i remember it because i remember watching the RNC at an apartment in DC saying "who the hell is Sarah Palin? and then 40 minutes later, saying "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! holy shit! THATS MCCAIN'S RUNNING MATE?!?!?!" little did i know the joke was on me.and the rest of the world

but still… really? her?

Glenn Beck is actually planning on doing a one hour piece on the the irony of the whole "drill baby drill" situation. i'm joking. he just gonna continue to be awful.

The Liberals blame Bush, or Cheney, or Blackwater, or if possible James Dobson, conveniently forgetting that Obama has been ok with environmentally harmful crap from day one: offshore drilling, “clean” coal, nuclear power, its all good according to Captain Hopenchange. i have a vivid, then blurry memory of Obama talking about the awesomeness of offshore drilling at a state of the union. vivid, because it enraged me, blurry because i took a shot every time he said something vaguely inspiring, but not pertaining to the point. or reality. or facts. but yeah,CHANGE and stuff. and we did something about healthcare..right? wait, did we? did they already vote on that? was that the thing with that plumber guy? wait no… hope…something about hope? didn't we…. don't ask, don't tell… no they're still working on that. hmm… i'll think of it.

but it never takes long to move from catastrophe to utter stupidity. for instance, Obama has called for a sensible energy policy. and by sensible i mean apocalyptic. while realizing that we need to wean ourselves from the addiction to oil we have (a epiphany that even George W. had, so its not saying much), he has decided that weaning ourselves off oil really means killing ourselves, by "... tapping into our natural gas reserves, and moving ahead with our plan to expand our nation’s fleet of nuclear power plants."

i love how he calls our abomination of nature's key to existence a "fleet". i wonder what sort of quote he'll give when, NOT IF, but when we have a Deepwater Horizon-like disaster with a nuke plant in the US. "we need to halt slow down our dependence on world-destroying nuclear power. the key is now lots and lots of hamsters in wheels." lets just hope hamsters haven't been one of the 200 a day by then.

but don't worry all you Whole Foods liberals out there. i'm done trashing on Obama for the moment. so no you can feel comfortable again. no need to think about the idea that the Democrats and politics in general are a placebo to make you feel like you are doing something while the world falls apart. give some money to that non-profit. buy that t-shirt made from organic hemp. buy something fair trade. but no matter what, spend money. lots and lots of money. because thats progressive, right?

speaking of delusion, lets talk about the Conservatives again. Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisana has recently called for a repeal on the ban of offshore drilling. that right. the state so far most affected by the oil spill, wants to open up the possibility for more oil spills. why? because the original oil spill has impacted the Louisiana economy so much, that they need the extra money from the new oil. let me repeat that. the solution to the problem, is more of the problem. now thats some sound thinking. thats up there with "the reason the hate us is because we have so many troops in their country. so to make them not hate us, lets send more troops to their country. weird that didn't work. WHY DO THEY HATE US!?!??!?!"

its gets better. both Texas governor Rick Perry, and Oklahoma House Rep,Tom Cole have said that the oil spill was an act of God. which god they meant, is still in question. my bets are on Odin. that bearded fuck has been pissed since Zuul dissed him at the inter-faith mixer at the Applebee's in Malden.

but here is the moment we've all been waiting for. the Queen of Lowered Expectations would not stay silent during the tragic time for out country. as always, Sarah Palin had something inspiring, patriotic and uninformed to say about the matter at hand. She knew who was really to blame for the BP oil spill: environmentalists. i really don't know how to joke about this one, so i'll just lay it out. her reasoning for blaming environmentalists for the oil spill, is that the only reason we were offshore drilling in the first place, is that those tree hugging hippies blocked us from drilling for oil in the Alaskan Nature Preserve, so we had to do offshore drilling. and therefore, it is the environmentalists fault. what a terribly unintelligent human being.

by the way, Sarah Palin also accused Obama of being in the pocket of big oil. this is true, he along with every other president of the past 50 years has been a flunky of the oil companies. here is the funny part about Palin saying that. Her husband, Todd, used to work for BP. he actually worked for the company responsible for this mess! its not like he worked for Texaco or some shit, and she can be all "Texaco is great, is that British Petroleum, thats the problem" Her husband actually was employed by the problem and she wants to convince us that OBAMA has ties to the oil companies. maybe i've been wrong about her and she just gets this whole "PR" thing better than anyone else. just say something with no factual backing, wave a flag, something negative about the mainstream media (not mentioning of course that you actually work for the most popular news channel in the states), say something offensive about immigrants, something about "our" forefathers, wink and you're golden.

ok so enough with politicians. lets talk about the company that started this all. BP. hey did you know that BP stands for British Petroleum? well it does. so now you know. and knowing is half the battle. However a few years ago when "going green" got cool, or at least profitable, BP spent a very large amount on revamping their image. the end result was an ad campaign that used the initials "BP" to stand for "Beyond Petroleum". the meaning was the since we all know that oil is gonna run out sometime soon, BP is committed to finding new solutions other than oil for energy. but here is the best part. to this day, BP has spent more money on the "Beyond Petroleum" campaign itself (meaning ads, PR, rebranding etc.) than actually working on moving beyond petroleum. these are the people now in charge of cleaning up the gulf. i do not feel secure.

wanna know another reason i don't feel secure? it was recently released that in the response plan that BP had on file for such distasters specific to the Gulf of Mexicoas like Deepwater Horizon, one of the experts to contact for dealing with the effect on wildlife was Professor Peter Lutz. guess what? HE"S DEAD. no not from shock over the oil spill. i really don't know how he died. however i do know that he died in 2005. 5 FUCKING YEARS AGO! nice contingency plan.

luckily the plan also lists how to deal with the effect of oil on such animals as sea otters, seals, walruses and sea lions. i love sea otters. they are amazingly adorable animals. so while i'm glad that BP has a plan to deal with the effect of an oil spill, specific to the Gulf of Mexico, on sea otters, and their friends seals, sea lions and walruses, i'm a little worried about the fact that BP doesn't know that NONE OF THESE ANIMALS LIVE IN THE GULF OF MEXICO! who the hell does the research at BP? do they not have wikipedia? isn't this a billion dollar corporation? who let the dogs out?

Environmental catastrophe is terrible wherever it happens, but the US population rarely if ever notices. the only reason we give a shit now, is because it’s in our backyard. We have exported our problems for so long that we don’t know how to react when it happens to us. It was the same with 9/11. The very idea that someone would attack the US is out of the question. That’s why many people are still seething with anger over the 9/11 attacks, but can’t understand why the majority of Iraq hates us even though well over 100,000 Iraqi civilians are dea because of us.

Exporting suffering while importing benefits is what keeps our U.S. society going. We don’t have to deal with labor disputes like we did in the 1920’s because we’ve shipped all the cheap labor somewhere else. We don’t see the 14 year old child sewing our jeans, we just see how great our ass looks in those jeans. We don’t see the massive deforestation in South America, we just see that coffee table that really pulls the room together. And until recently, we didn’t see the negative side of drilling for oil, just that sweet ass car, or shiny new computer, or amazing piece of crap, or whatever else. But now we can’t turn away. actually we can. and we do. you are about to. but don't worry. everything will be fine. worst case scenario is what? the local ecosystem is permanently damaged? the oil gets pulled into gulf streams and spread throughout the ocean? the oceans become toxic? the basis for life as we know it is changed for the worse? we all die? the earth heals itself?squirrels become the dominant species?

maybe. sleep tight.

seriously though, can Louisiana catch a break?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holy Shit.

Religion. what a fun topic. nothing brings out more foam at the mouth from everyone than religion. be it believers or non-believers, everybody gets riled up talking about religion. i feel no need to attack religion itself. plenty of smarter, cleverer and British-er people have done it before me, so really there is no point..

However personal takedowns about specific people... yes that is my cup of tea. There are so many public figures involved in modern religion today that it seems almost silly to pick on one specific person. i should also be upfront and say that i think if you meet one person who claims to be of a certain belief system, and you can't stand them, it doesn't mean that everyone who has similar beliefs are also jackasses, or that those those beliefs themselves are bad.

So... with that said... today i want to talk about a man named Mark Driscoll.

Mark Driscoll is the hip, young(ish) leader of a church in Seattle called Mars Hill. Mars Hill is named after the famous Seattle candy flood, when the Mars Bar factory exploded and sent melted chocolate every where. most of the chocolate gravitated towards one area and when it solidified, it made a hill of Mars Bar chocolate, or "Mars Hill". I might be a little off on some of these details, but that is basically it.

Driscoll has gained notiriety over the last couple years for being a bastard. I'm sorry, i mean pastor. He is part of a growing movement to make men in the Christian church become "Real Men". Not that sissy hippy shit that people like Shaine Claiborne, Rob Bell and Jesus Christ talk about. He has often said that too many churches have been "chickified". Being a former member of a frat, i'm not sure he knows that "chickified" is not a word. But to his credit, making up things can be fun. imaginary friends, alter egos, god; imaginations are wonderful things!

Here are some of his beliefs that he preaches:

homosexuality is a sin, but so is sex before marriage or outside of marriage. marriage is specifically for a biological man and a biological woman.

women may not be leaders in a church, i.e.: pastors, priests, reverends, etc...

women may not ask a man on a date.

the man is the head of the household and the woman is subservient to him

a man may not be a stay at home dad.

yup, all that and looks to.

an issue he often talks about is how there are not enough young men in church. and so his approach has been to make church cool. while preaching he often wears hip clothes like a t-shirt with Jesus at a set of turntables, or Paul hitting a woman.

Being the patriarch that he is (a wife, 5 kids and counting) one of his main messages is that men need to stand up and be men. men men men. stop being not-men, and be men. He says that the church loses men because its feminine, and there are too many girly things in it. for instance, here is an actual quote from this guy:
"The problem with our churches today is that the lead pastor is some sissy boy who wears cardigan sweaters, has The Carpenters dialed in on his iPod, gets his hair cut at a salon instead of a barber shop, hasn’t been to an Ultimate Fighting match, works out on an elliptical machine instead of going to isolated regions of Russia like in Rocky IV in order to harvest lumber with his teeth, and generally swishes around like Jack from Three’s Company whenever Mr. Roper was around."

thats a real quote. he said this. to people.

part of the hilarity of this Sports Center reject's message is that even his incredibly offensive definition of "real men" is not an actualization of the stereotype itself. the idea that WATCHING Ultimate Fighting Championship makes you a real man. just watching it. not actually fighting, but watching. he can't even take this masculine stereotype to the level of participation and say that men should be fighting. being masculine is watching other people do stuff.

He does make a good point about Christianity becoming too feminine. when i think of this religion with a male God, male Savior, mostly men speaking from the pulpit, a rule book that says women cannot preach or be leaders and should be subservient to their husbands, my first thought is : whoa, there are way too many women here! what is this, a maxi pad convention? let play some fucking HALO 3!" and then i high five some dudes. after all, bros before ho's.

His claim in a youtube video that church is too "feminine" because "all the innovative dudes are home watching football, or they're out making money, or climbing a mountain, or working on they're truck", begs the question; is he a pastor or the PR guy for SPIKE TV? seriously, after watching a bunch of his sermons, i kept waiting for him to say, "and now what we've all been waiting for; girls jumping on trampolines!"

what is innovative about ANY of those activities. nothing. none of those activities are innovative. they aren't bad activities to take part in per say, but innovative? making money? CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN? look, i love hiking and climbing. its really fun. but its not innovative. i mean its practically the opposite of innovative. people have be doing it for hundreds of thousands of years. oh whoops, sorry i mean 6 thousand years.

even if one gives him the benefit of the doubt and says he is making the point that truly innovative PEOPLE often aren't encouraged the right way, and often settle for less than they can achieve (and that is really stretching it) its a terrible point within his context. Innovation is exactly what the people he criticizes are doing. Encouraging people other than men to preach, accepting LGBTQ members into their communities, addressing poverty, criticizing capitalism are all (for Christianity, which isn't saying much) pretty fucking innovative. But Mark Driscoll doesn't actually want innovation, Mark Driscoll wants the 1950's.

Believe it or not, we have even gotten to the offensive part. In 2006 when mega-church leader Ted Haggard, a staunch opposer of gay rights was (surprise surprise) called out on having "relations" with a gay prostitute, Driscoll stepped up to point out the obvious cause: Haggard's wife.

I'll let the poet himself explain this one:
"Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors' wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness."

Ah yes, because the reason men cheat is not because they are untrustworthy to begin with, addicted to power, don't respect women, live in a culture that encourages it, or can't deal with the often unrealistic expectations of monogamous life and don't have the guts to have an open relationship or at least least discuss these problems with their wives. no no no, the reason men cheat, is because their wives have gotten ugly. or fat. or fat and ugly.

thank you Mark for showing the us the light.

here's a fun nugget i pulled off his wikipedia page:
"There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation, Jesus is a prize fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up. I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians, and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity."

plenty of things to say, but only gonna say one: "I cannot worship a guy I can beat up". um... i thought the thing about Jesus was that he could get beat up? i mean wasn't there a hit movie a few years ago that was nothing but Jesus getting his assed kicked for 2 hours? isn't that supposed be the whole fucking point? maybe not. after all im just a "self-righteous blogger critic of Christianity".

Dricoll was also featured on a debate on ABC. the name of this debate was... i can't believe i am saying this...."Does Satan Exist?"

this was an actual debate. on TELEVISION. "Does Satan Exist?" Four people actually spent an hour in front of a live audience debating whether or not there is a guy named Satan, and if he is king of hell. and people watched. it seems like a bad skit. the whole time i was waiting for Deepak Chopra to be all, "and so the existence of Satan is not provable because LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!"
but that never happened.

In Driscoll's opening statement of the debate, he had this to say on the subject:
"Satan was an angel who rebelled against god. In so doing led an insurrection. Other angels followed him. Our first parents (Adam and Eve, NOT STEVE!) joined that rebellion, and ultimately that is the cause of moral evil. it is rebellion against god."
he then followed up with, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Driscoll addresses issues like atheism by not actually addressing it. During a segment of a recent sermon, Driscoll threw the usual "isn't the idea of no god really scary" routine at the audience, while not addressing the scientific realities of hard agnosticism or atheism. I have heard this and seen this before. instead of dealing with with the actual idea of is there a god or not, people go straight to "well i would really prefer to live in a world where there is a god." this is all nice and good, but doesn't change a damn thing. i would love to live in a world with genuine equality. but genuine equality doesn't exist just because i want it to. and if i am gonna criticize those who believe that genuine equality DOESN"T exist, i sure as hell better have a more thought out argument than "because if it doesn't exist, that would suck."

the most offensive bit of his sermon on atheism, is his notion that suicide is the likely end for someone who doesn't believe in his god. i feel no need to make a joke about this, but only to say in my personal experience on the issue of suicide, Driscoll's assessment could not be more opposite of the truth.

Mark Driscoll is just some person in Seattle. I shouldn't really care about people like him if i disagree. But unfortunetely i do care. Mark Driscoll makes me embarrassed to be a man. Hell, Mark Driscoll makes me embarrassed to be a human. He is everything i have ever thought was wrong with religion, which is why i don't bother anymore. As the book of Revalations says:

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Mark Driscoll, he was a total assclown and Hell followed with him"