Press Conference from the President of Awesome

The following is from a press conference put on by Reuben. If you didn't hear about it, you probably weren't invited. Feel bad about that, because ALL the cool people were there. Sucks to be you. For realsies.

Reuben:

Hello there people of the United States, and thank you for coming here today. It is with great sadness in my heart that i stand before you here today. I wish this could be avoided, however my mama and pappy back at the farm (and of course by farm I mean house in the suburbs) raised me right. I can no longer deny what you have all been assuming was true. So let me unequivocally say, to set the record straight: YES. All politicians are fucking dumbasses.

While it hurts to say that, I feel as though a great weight has been taken off my chest. Now before I enter into the barrage of questions let me answer one question that I anticipate:

Yes, ALL politicians. Of course I cannot speak for those politicians in other countries, but EVERY politician in the United States is a dumbass. A total dumbass.

Alright, I will now be taking questions. Yes Tom.

Tom: Can you give examples of politicians being dumbasses? It seems to be a pretty sweeping statement.

Reuben: Are you serious? (brief pause) No no really, I am asking you if that was a serious question.

Tom: um…. Yes.

Reuben: Wow. And you work in journalism? dag. Ok here are a few examples off the top of my head:
if you are a person of ANY fame and/or authority STOP TAKING NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF. Look we all want to feel attractive or hot. Shit, sometimes I want to be straight up objectified. But guess what? That’s YOUR shit. We don't need to know about it. And if you put that shit on the net, we are gonna find out. Stop sending gross pictures of your boners to people. Not only is it gross, but you’re gonna get caught. In all honesty I originally assumed the whole Weinergate thing was on purpose. I thought, after seeing some other humorous things Anthony Weiner had done, that he Tweeted a picture of his penis or something like it, so that he could prove that the US media is just a bunch of idiots. Instead, it turns out he is just a creep. A creep and a dumbass. Next question, Dale.

Dale: Does your new revelation that “all politicians are dumbasses” include actor/politicians like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Reuben: First Dale, I would like to point out how TRULY offensive it is to call Arnold Schwarzenegger an actor. Struggling actors everywhere are trying their best to not give up on their entirely foolish and unobtainable dream of making a living playing pretend, and its comments like that, that make it harder and harder everyday for these sad, clueless bastards not to just end it all right now.

So to answer your question, yes, obviously Arnold is a dumbass. He ran for governor of California while having had a love child for a few years already. He’s been covering it up his ENTIRE political career. This means he was a dumbass BEFORE he even got into politics.

The only way he could've been more of a dumbass was if he unsuccessfully ran for president, twice, and ran for vice-president, and the whole time he had an affair with an aide, who then had a kid, that he made another aide claim was his. And then he denied it a bunch, but eventually got caught. Oh, and then his wife gets cancer. And dies.

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards.

Reuben: What?

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards. You just listed the events of his life from the last couple years.

Reuben: wait… are you….you're shitting me right? I literally just listed the shittiest things I could think of, in no particular order. That actually happened? Someone actually did all that?

Dale: yes. John Edwards.

Reuben: whoa, wait…. The hair guy? HOLY SHIT! How have we not tarred and feathered this asshole yet? Wow. Do I even need to take anymore questions? Obviously these people are assholes. Yes, Sam.

Sam: Does this statement include former politicians, and people who have shown interest in the presidency?

Reuben: yes, both Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are dumbasses. Look the Paul Revere thing was an honest mistake. it was and easy screw up to make. i often forget blatantly obvious historical facts, like which side won in the Civil War, who was Hitler?, and how many fingers and toes do i have?

But trying to pretend like you were referencing a barely known fact about the guy is an obvious ploy. You screwed up Sarah, and you should’ve just said so. But do you know why you didn’t? because you are a dumbass.

Sam: What about Trump?

Reuben: I commented on him already.

Sam: No you didn’t.

Reuben: wait for it…(long pause)

(let the record show that all at once the present members of the press gasped and covered their noses)

Reuben: There we go. One final question… Sandra.

Sandra: While this has been an interesting look into the junior high-like scatological humor that is most likely running around your head every day, you still haven’t really explained why you think all US politicians are dumbasses. The people of the United States have a right to know why.

Reuben: Ok, I’ll try. To be a politician in this country you have to believe in the system that runs it. Sure, you can say “you need to be in the system to change it”, but that doesn’t change the fact that you think the system itself should be in place. Also it’s a totally shitty argument. You could probably change the KKK from inside, but how about instead, we just get rid of the KKK?

To be politician in this country you have to believe that majority rule is the best way to get things done. You have to believe that one person should make sweeping decisions for a whole town, let alone a state or country. You have to believe that the forefathers of this country were anything other than wealthy, racist, misogynistic, genocidal elitists . You have to have never ever read a history book. You have to look at the Electoral College and say “yeah that makes sense”. You have to know that the Supreme Court has no oversight other than themselves, and that they stay in power for life and say “What could go wrong?”. You have to change what you believe to one of two paths, no matter how much you think they both suck, and mock people who want to start a third party. You have to convince people that your opponent is a child molester while you personally cured AIDs, cancer and acne before the age of 10. And most of all, you have to honestly believe that you personally are better at making choices for people then they themselves are. You have to believe that everyone else is a dumbass, but you are not.

Thank for your time and God Ble..

Sandra: (interrupts) Will you consider running for office?

Reuben: (long pause) No, because the only thing worse than a dumbass is a smartass.

Thank you and good night.