Monday, April 6, 2009


remember the good old days?

no? good, that's because they never existed. the sooner we admit that our country wasn't birthed out of some beautiful collection of past philosophies, and benevolent trials and errors to form our most great union, the sooner we can fix this pile of poo.

our country's guidelines (the declaration of independence, the constitution, the bill of rights, the idiot's guide to patriarchy) were all written by rich white men. now this may not seem like a big deal, because everything our society has been based on in the past couple hundred years has been run by rich white men.

but here is something you might not know: while everything was run by rich white men, rich white men were in fact NOT the only people to live on the earth! i know i know, pretty shocking. i personally all assumed that the entire earth was made of white men, until God decided one day to make women out of some ribs.

i mention this only because i personally find hard to believe that these men who "founded" our country had the interests of anyone other than themselves when they whipped out the quill and starting writing some scrolls.

these men who owned slaves and found no need for women to be a part of life other then cooking food and looking pretty (two things i'm awesome at). these men who slaughtered a nation of people because of "manifest destiny". if you are new to the term "manifest destiny", it comes from the original Latin phrase "manifesto destino" which translates to "genocidal self-entitlement".

because when we say "founded this country", what we really mean "tricked, diseased, and murdered the former inhabitants of this country." this is the history we all know, and yet nobody seems to be too bothered by it. i mean i don't know anyone who thinks that its good that a nation of native americans were slaughtered, but very few people seem to think about it too much. for instance, when was the last time you thought about it? a while ago? thats because you are a shit head. but don't worry, so am i.

think about this: we showed up and wanted the land. we killed the people on the land and took it. ok, so why can't we do that now? i'm not advocating murder, but frankly rent has been way too much for me, and i don't see why if murder and theft of land is good enough for our forefathers, its not good enough for me. why can't i cap my landlord and take his shit? oh right, jail. well i guess if the forefathers went to jail, then so should i. what? they didn't? they got to be presidents and statesmen? they died rich and in big houses? interesting.

now you maybe saying "reuben, it was all so long ago! i know it was awful, but why can't we just let it go now. its been over a hundred years!"
to this i will reply by paraphrasing the legendary Bill Hicks, and just say that i will stop talking about this, when other people stop talking about Jesus. Because honestly if we are talking about shelf-life on issues... well i think you get the point.

look, i am not saying that Thomas Jefferson didn't love his kids. Or that George Washington didn't care about nature. or that Adams wasn't the best kisser in the commonwealth. I am sure they all had good intentions. But good intentions only get you so far. and cruel intentions is a crappy movie with Reese Witherspoon.Not that we can claim to be better. After all our modern leaders have taken the murderous leanings of our former founders and turned destruction into an art.

Within the first 5 days of his presidency, Barak Obama had missiles shot into Pakistan killing 18 people. And he's the peace candidate.

i think the part of the problem is best summed up by former President George Bush , when he was still vice-president to our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan. When the U.S. Navy shot down an Iranian passenger plane killing 290 civilians, he was asked if he would apologize for the action. to this he replied "I will never apologize for the United States — I don't care what the facts are... I'm not an apologize-for-America kind of guy."

ok, that was the president. of the united states. that wasn't some guy you got into an argument with in Poli Sci 101. that was the president of the united states. he's "not an apologize for American-kind-of guy". nope not him. he's more of a invade-Panama-and-Iraq-then-leave-both-countries-worse-then-when-he-found-it kind of guy.

he doesn't care what the facts are? really? because in high school i didn't care what the facts were. now all day i ask people what size latte they want. he got to be president.

so i know what you are thinking, "reuben you must lead us to a better tomorrow! become our president, our king, our emperor!" but i am sorry to say, i'm not gonna take the job. it doesn't pay very well, and you have to be a complete asshole to do it. but don't cry, for there is hope. now that you have gotten over the disappoint of me not becoming president you may wonder, "but if the constitution and all that other crap is illegitimate, what document should we base our society on?!?!"

anything. like seriously anything. Clifford the big red dog. everyone poops. goodnight moon. i mean why not, right? for instance, try this out; in Clifford the Big Red Dog, do they ever call slaves 3/5 of human beings? no? Alright! we're already doing better than the constitution!

i honestly think you could build a stable, non-hierarchical society with kids books. try a book like "everyone poops." think about that statement itself "everybody poops". we all poop. everyone of us. from sea to shining sea, everybody poops. you can ask someone "do you poop?" and they would say "why yes i do!" i'm getting chills right now!

Because even Clifford the big red dog (or maybe Tintin) would agree that we need to smash the state, but until then, maybe we can at the very least open up the dialogue about why we use arcane, racist and sexist documents to form our society, that were written by men who most likely didn't have the interests of the majority in mind when they wrote it. Maybe if they had read "everbody poops" they would realize we are all equal and all have the right to party.

except people from Rhode Island. fuck Rhode Island.

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