Press Conference from the President of Awesome

The following is from a press conference put on by Reuben. If you didn't hear about it, you probably weren't invited. Feel bad about that, because ALL the cool people were there. Sucks to be you. For realsies.

Reuben:

Hello there people of the United States, and thank you for coming here today. It is with great sadness in my heart that i stand before you here today. I wish this could be avoided, however my mama and pappy back at the farm (and of course by farm I mean house in the suburbs) raised me right. I can no longer deny what you have all been assuming was true. So let me unequivocally say, to set the record straight: YES. All politicians are fucking dumbasses.

While it hurts to say that, I feel as though a great weight has been taken off my chest. Now before I enter into the barrage of questions let me answer one question that I anticipate:

Yes, ALL politicians. Of course I cannot speak for those politicians in other countries, but EVERY politician in the United States is a dumbass. A total dumbass.

Alright, I will now be taking questions. Yes Tom.

Tom: Can you give examples of politicians being dumbasses? It seems to be a pretty sweeping statement.

Reuben: Are you serious? (brief pause) No no really, I am asking you if that was a serious question.

Tom: um…. Yes.

Reuben: Wow. And you work in journalism? dag. Ok here are a few examples off the top of my head:
if you are a person of ANY fame and/or authority STOP TAKING NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF. Look we all want to feel attractive or hot. Shit, sometimes I want to be straight up objectified. But guess what? That’s YOUR shit. We don't need to know about it. And if you put that shit on the net, we are gonna find out. Stop sending gross pictures of your boners to people. Not only is it gross, but you’re gonna get caught. In all honesty I originally assumed the whole Weinergate thing was on purpose. I thought, after seeing some other humorous things Anthony Weiner had done, that he Tweeted a picture of his penis or something like it, so that he could prove that the US media is just a bunch of idiots. Instead, it turns out he is just a creep. A creep and a dumbass. Next question, Dale.

Dale: Does your new revelation that “all politicians are dumbasses” include actor/politicians like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Reuben: First Dale, I would like to point out how TRULY offensive it is to call Arnold Schwarzenegger an actor. Struggling actors everywhere are trying their best to not give up on their entirely foolish and unobtainable dream of making a living playing pretend, and its comments like that, that make it harder and harder everyday for these sad, clueless bastards not to just end it all right now.

So to answer your question, yes, obviously Arnold is a dumbass. He ran for governor of California while having had a love child for a few years already. He’s been covering it up his ENTIRE political career. This means he was a dumbass BEFORE he even got into politics.

The only way he could've been more of a dumbass was if he unsuccessfully ran for president, twice, and ran for vice-president, and the whole time he had an affair with an aide, who then had a kid, that he made another aide claim was his. And then he denied it a bunch, but eventually got caught. Oh, and then his wife gets cancer. And dies.

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards.

Reuben: What?

Dale: I assume you are referring to John Edwards. You just listed the events of his life from the last couple years.

Reuben: wait… are you….you're shitting me right? I literally just listed the shittiest things I could think of, in no particular order. That actually happened? Someone actually did all that?

Dale: yes. John Edwards.

Reuben: whoa, wait…. The hair guy? HOLY SHIT! How have we not tarred and feathered this asshole yet? Wow. Do I even need to take anymore questions? Obviously these people are assholes. Yes, Sam.

Sam: Does this statement include former politicians, and people who have shown interest in the presidency?

Reuben: yes, both Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are dumbasses. Look the Paul Revere thing was an honest mistake. it was and easy screw up to make. i often forget blatantly obvious historical facts, like which side won in the Civil War, who was Hitler?, and how many fingers and toes do i have?

But trying to pretend like you were referencing a barely known fact about the guy is an obvious ploy. You screwed up Sarah, and you should’ve just said so. But do you know why you didn’t? because you are a dumbass.

Sam: What about Trump?

Reuben: I commented on him already.

Sam: No you didn’t.

Reuben: wait for it…(long pause)

(let the record show that all at once the present members of the press gasped and covered their noses)

Reuben: There we go. One final question… Sandra.

Sandra: While this has been an interesting look into the junior high-like scatological humor that is most likely running around your head every day, you still haven’t really explained why you think all US politicians are dumbasses. The people of the United States have a right to know why.

Reuben: Ok, I’ll try. To be a politician in this country you have to believe in the system that runs it. Sure, you can say “you need to be in the system to change it”, but that doesn’t change the fact that you think the system itself should be in place. Also it’s a totally shitty argument. You could probably change the KKK from inside, but how about instead, we just get rid of the KKK?

To be politician in this country you have to believe that majority rule is the best way to get things done. You have to believe that one person should make sweeping decisions for a whole town, let alone a state or country. You have to believe that the forefathers of this country were anything other than wealthy, racist, misogynistic, genocidal elitists . You have to have never ever read a history book. You have to look at the Electoral College and say “yeah that makes sense”. You have to know that the Supreme Court has no oversight other than themselves, and that they stay in power for life and say “What could go wrong?”. You have to change what you believe to one of two paths, no matter how much you think they both suck, and mock people who want to start a third party. You have to convince people that your opponent is a child molester while you personally cured AIDs, cancer and acne before the age of 10. And most of all, you have to honestly believe that you personally are better at making choices for people then they themselves are. You have to believe that everyone else is a dumbass, but you are not.

Thank for your time and God Ble..

Sandra: (interrupts) Will you consider running for office?

Reuben: (long pause) No, because the only thing worse than a dumbass is a smartass.

Thank you and good night.

Lets Burn This Mother Down! oh wait... we already are.

i hate earth day. i really hate it. so much.

why do i hate earth day? where do i start? well first, remember when you were little and you asked your folks "there is a mother's day, and a father's day, so why is there no kid's day?" and they were all "because EVERY day is kid's day" and in your head you said "bullfuckingshit."? remember that? well here is the thing EVERY day should be Earth day. the fact that every day we don't take minute to realize how insane it is that we are alive on this rock flying through space, and that this rock has just the right amount of everything to let us live, is crap. total crap. Every day should be Earth day. which really means that NO day should be Earth Day. we shouldn't have to pick a day each year to be like "oh right, pollution sucks, or something".




there is a reason Captain Planet sucked as a TV show. its because we shouldn't have to be told that saving the earth is cool. it should just be known. it should be part of our mindset from a young age, the same way breathing is. we shouldn't have to have a pale body builder in red underwear and a green mullet to let us know that shitting where you eat is a bad idea.

As we all know, Earth Day is a day where we make ourselves feel better about being the most destructive inhabitants on the face of the planet, by wearing the color green, and maybe even thinking about possibly starting to someday if we're in the right mood, and we've got nothing else going on, finally start reading Rachel Carson's Silent Spring. Or not. i mean i think i got the basic idea on Wikipedia, so.... no need to read that actual book. plus i totally know what she is gonna say. so..yeah.

but i am getting ahead of myself. For those who don't know, the US Earth Day idea was started by a senator from Wisconsin, Gaylord Nelson. the story goes that he saw an oil spill was disgusted, and decided that Americans needed to learn and talk more about the environment. I realize that it is hard to believe that a politician saw and oil spill and didn't automatically blame the other political party, or start justifying it, or looking for blame, then saying "SEE!!! this is why we should have nuclear energy!" but i suppose it could've actually happened this way.

since then, (for the most part) we have celebrated Earth Day, at some point in April. nobody can really remember when. What does it mean in the US to celebrate Earth Day? who fucking knows. i still have to go to work. Some other holidays i don't have to go work. But i guess the Earth just isn't as important as say.... a lost Italian captain with a soft spot for slavery and genocide. Some things truly do deserve a national holiday.

Sometimes on Earth Day there are concerts (using large amounts of non-renewable energy) to celebrate the Earth. Sometimes washed up former Vice-presidents, and other famous people give vague talks about change. great. thats SUPER helpful. but has it changed anything? not really. Celebrating the wonderous miracle that is the planet we live on by putting on shitty concerts, and buying "green" goods, is like celebrating the sacrifice of someone's life for the sins of all humanity by pretending a gigantic rabbit with a basket lays colored eggs filled with diabetes for children to search for.

well i am sick of being the only one at the party who is in a bad mood about this shit. so in honor of one of my least favorite holidays i would like to present the jury with these fun party pooper ideas, that hopefully will ruin your Earth Day:


the recycling symbol is a corporate logo.
thats right. that 3-arrow triangle we all know and love, and have on our fair-trade hemp t-shirts we paid $40 for are no different then the Coke symbol. see back in the day, the mess of empty bottles from soda, juice, etc was dealt with by the producers of these products, not the consumers. Bottlers used to use glass bottles, not plastic, for their products and then would collect them when people were finished with them, take them back to the factories, and reuse those bottles. after all, they PRODUCED the trash, so shouldn't they take care of it? however a wave a change happened with bottlers, and soon they pushed the responsibility of dealing with this trash onto the consumer. they started talking about civic duty of consumers, and soon recycling the trash was OUR job, not theirs. Reacting to the first Earth Day, the Container Corporation of America held a contest for students to come up with a logo to "raise awareness of environmental issues". the now famous triangley-arrow thingy was created by a college student. and the rest is history.



The Crying Indian is a Fake and a Corporate Stooge.
we've all seen it. the classic ad and billboards of the (non-desrcipt)Native American crying as he sees trash being thrown on the ground. or floating on a river. or both. well guess what people, i've got 2 mind bombs i'm about to throw at you. number 1: the Native American in that PSA was Sicilian-American. Not even a teeny bit Native American. nope. He lied about it pretty much until he died. whoops.

here is the other fun fact: that ad was made by Keep America Beautiful, a corporate front for greenwashing. as documented in Heather Rodgers' brilliant book Gone Tomorrow: The Hidden Life of Garbage, KAB was created in response to the (dirty, hippie) state of Vermont's attempt to outlaw disposable containers. All of the sudden the national conversation was changed from "why do we have all this awful plastic?" to "why aren't you people putting the trash in the trash can?!?! do you like it when Indians cry?!?! you heartless bastards!!!" and the next thing you know, we're all talking about litter and not the fact that companies are producing toxic products for us to consume. awesome. also they get some of their funding from Sherwin-Williams, the "paint the world" people, with the most depressing logo ever, of the earth getting dumped with a bucket of paint. KAB also gets funding from Phillip Morris, the death company. so.... do i need to say more?


Recycling is a load of crap.
ok, hold up. its not COMPLETELY a load of crap. the idea of reusing and recycling things is not a bad idea, and should be encouraged. However, one thing recycling does do, is take everyone's mind off the idea of consumption. "we can consume as much as we want, because the when we are done with the plastic, glass, metal etc. we used, it can just be recycled, right?" this also, as mentioned before, takes the pressure off of producers. they're not creating waste. "they're creating recycleable material. and maybe even GREEN JOBS!!! can you even imagine?!?!"

now some of you are probably saying "ok, but we have all these bottles, and we need to do SOMETHING with them". this is true. but if we never address the fact that we continually create these things that are detrimental to the environment, bad things are gonna happen. the mindset of recycling cuts out the part where we talk about why the hell we have all this plastic and metal, and paper to begin with.

and then there is this: recycling often isn't even recycling. boom. mind explosion. assuming you separate all your this from your that, there is still the question of how much of the stuff you put in that adorable blue bucket that you put on the street (again, assuming your city/town has a recycling program) ends up actually being recycled. Recyclable materials are essentially a commodity. there are some that are more valuable then others. and as usual, when money is the bottom line, we get screwed.

"but wait" you say, "Free Market yada yada, and people will make the right choices when money is involved, and Barry Goldwater and stuff, and something else about markets." ok, i'll play this game. even though deep degrees of poverty and a huge gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots" should pretty much have made us all realize that this line of thinking is NOT WORKING. but whatever, lets do this. people will do the right thing because its monetarily in their best interest. sure. so lets try that out. here is a quote from the lovely Discovery Channel explaining it much better than me.

"Unless you follow your recyclables through the entire process until they're made into new prodcuts it's impossible to say for certain if your materials are actually being recycled. But, logically, the reason you can feel assured that most of your recyclables actually get recycled is because they have a dollar value."

great! i guess we've got nothing to worry about. except here's the thing, Elizabeth Royte in her fantastic book Garbage Land, does actually follow her recyclables through the entire process, and guess what? *spoiler alert* LOTS OF SHIT DOESN'T GET RECYCLED. it gets trashed because its useless to the companies that buy recycled commodities. either its such low quality that its impossible to recycle, or its more expensive to recycle it than it is to produce new stuff. of course its never brought up what sort of environmental repercussions there might be from producing new stuff. its more expensive to recycle, and so they don't. which proves what is implied in the Discovery quote: its all about money. and when its all about the money, we get screwed.

at best, only 50 percent of what gets thrown in the recycling bin actually gets recycled. and since that percentage looks pretty small when you realize how much we don't even throw in that bin, things start to look grim. even if half of the new stuff are made from recyclables, you still have the other half that we need to make from somewhere. and as things get recycled, their quality downgrades. so eventually that recycled bottle can't get used, and ends up in a landfill. but thats ok, because landfill's aren't that bad right?

Landfills Will Murder Your Children. Seriously.

Even the hardest of hard hearts must kinda pause for a moment when thinking about landfills. "So... we take all this disgusting garbage and toxic mess... and then we bury it. in the ground. ok...um... then what?"

exactly. then what? one of the main problems with landfills, is that eventually they fall apart. it might not be in my lifetime, but it probably will be in our kids' lifetimes. the idea behind landfills, is that eventually someone smart enough will figure out how to deal with all that nasty shit. because we can't burn it. well, we can and we have, but the awful smoke from burning trash looks terrible, and is toxic, and eventually towns and cities don't like the idea of inhaling that stuff. so more and more that option is going away.

we could send it out to sea. but then this happens.

so looks like its just landfills. however most landfills in the US are under private contract. you can't go visit them, to make sure they are following regulations. In Gone Tomorrow, Rodgers talks about how landfill linings are what keep the toxic shit from getting into the dirt and the water. so they've got it covered? awesome. but not really. see, private company has a contract with the State for say 75 years. the lining lasts 100 years. meaning when the company is done with its contract, the responsibility is now on the State, or more likely the local people. when that lining wears away, and people start getting sick from their water being contaminated, nobody is responsible for it. fun stuff, right?

Al Gore is a Turd.
Not literally. but certainly in a lots of ways, he is a poop. There are tons of reasons why Gore is not quite the environmental leader we assume/wish he was. but i just want to focus on a teeny tiny bit of his film. Since many people were really moved by An Inconvenient Truth this is a hard pill for a lot of liberals to swallow. Its not that the facts in the movie were wrong, or that it should be that hard to believe that a guy who had Joe Lieberman as his running-mate cares AT ALL about us. its really that fun little bit in the end of the film where after feeling like we are screwed for 90 minutes, he lists all the wonderful things we can do to lower our carbon emissions. i certainly felt better. i almost wrote my CongressMAN. almost. almost. however what he fails to mentions is that if EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the US followed the guidelines at the end of the film, the carbon emissions for our country would only drop 22 percent. to have a real effect, the WORLD carbon emissions, not just the US of A, BUT THE CARBON EMISSIONS OF THE WHOLE WORLD, need to go down 75 percent. What Gore's guidelines do is instill a false sense of hope, that shouldn't exist. He makes us believe that all we have to do is buy the right lightbulb or shower head things will be great. don't STOP buying, just buy green stuff. no need to change our consuming culture. just "go green" and everything will be ok. well it won't. so stop falling for this shit.

You can cause an environmental catastrophe, and a year later nobody cares.
British Petroleum. you sly motherfuckers. Not only did you DESTROY the gulf, and pretty much the entire coast of Louisiana, but you got paid 10 million dollars to do it. and yes that is more than the entire budget for the Environmental Protections Agency. Hats off.

Saving the Earth is Against the Law.

Sometimes people take the shit humans do to the earth personally. sometimes people get pushed to a point where they don't want to feel helpless, and want something to get done, and since they have read history books, they know that waiting for the State to fix things is not very productive. So sometimes they feel the need to act. Sometimes they protest. Sometimes they get in peoples' faces about it. Sometimes they try to stop people from possibly bringing a species to extinction and thereby changing the entire biological balance of the ocean, and really the world. Sometimes they free animals that have been tortured. Sometimes they burn shit down. however they rarely, IF EVER, hurt people. but they are still considered terrorists in many places. and then they get sent to jail. They are terrorists and BP gets 10 million dollars. figure that shit out.

Holy shit we love Oil!
i mean we REALLY love oil. if you are reading this on a computer, wearing clothes you did not personally make, then you are literally enveloped in oil and the products of oil. Oil dictates everything about how we live. and guess what? at some point we'll run out.

you know what? instead of me talking about it, just watch Michael Ruppert drop some knowledge.

Now, Michael Ruppert may be nuts, but at this point, the people who are considered sane aren't making a whole lot of sense to me. also, that clip sums up what would've taken me forever to write down, and no doubt i would've peppered with tons of curses, so just watch the clip, ok?

honestly i don't even care anymore. Wear green on Earth Day. do the neighborhood trash pickup. buy some locally grown whatever. make yourself feel good. because that is all Earth Day is about. making ourselves feel good about something we are totally sucking at. its failing the math quiz, but having our mom's still have Dunkaroos and YooHoo waiting for us when we get home. We know we don't deserve it but when she asks us how the test went, we lie to her and to ourselves, and say "i knocked it out of the park!" so she lets us go watch DuckTales. and while TV takes away the pain, and we sit, filled with fake joy at our success, and stuff 7 different types of high-fructose corn syrup into our crumb covered mouths, we have a moment of clarity. just a quick one. a little moment that passes, where we think "oh wait. i was lying to myself". and for a second you realize that those Dunkaroos , that neighborhood cleanup, that local broccoli, those energy saving light bulbs, that Prius, that shorter shower, those fair trade sustainable recyclable whatevers, don't mean a damn thing.

happy earth day. go drink your fucking YooHoo.

All The News That's Shit To Print

So believe it or not a few people have told me that they missed my blog. So I have decided to grace you sad bastards with my genius again. This is a joke. Nobody reads this. Assholes. Anyways since my last blog entry, shit has gone DOWN. No joke. Shit has literally gone down. I have IBS.

Looking at my blog I realized that the last time I wrote something was August. It is now February. This is just unacceptable. My genius should be shared monthly at the very least. Frankly I think most people would be living better lives if my inner monologue was just pumped into their ears via some sort of mouth to ear sound pumping… thing. Shut up.

The last thing I wrote about was the “Ground Zero Mosque”. And as we all know, 6 months later, this is still a HUGE news story, proving the skeptics wrong: the media does NOT sensationalize stories for a news cycle, and then never report on them again once they’re no longer “fresh”.

Since I am at work and don’t have time to write a well thought out blog, and I going to give my adoring fans the next best thing: a quick not-thought-out rundown of the events of the last 6 months, up to today. What does this mean? It means you didn’t need to read the paper or watch the news for the last half year, because everything you needed to know will now be told to you via the curse-filled rants of sad, slightly overweight office rat. Way to waste your time. You could’ve spent that time doing anything else. But you didn’t you wasted it. you wasted minutes, nay, HOURS of you life. You’ll never get them back. That time is gone. Those moments of your life are dead to you. Moments you could’ve spent making art, reading literature, playing music, playing games, making out with a hotty, sitting in the woods, conversing with the universe. But instead you spent time reading and/or watching the news. And the whole time all you had to do was wait until early February and catch up on the last 6 months in 5 minutes. Sucks to be you.

So here it is, the rundown of all the news that mattered since August:

August:

1.)about ten days after my blog post, Glenn Beck has a rally to restore honor to something or something. Nobody who isn’t an asshole cares.

2.)President Obama announces that combat in Iraq is over and everything is awesome now. Around 50,000 American troops decide stay there for fun. I mean since combat is over, that must be why they're still there. Right?

3.)Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is released in theatres and is universally praised as the best movie ever made, ever. The movie proceeds to kick your ass, then your face, and then you assface.

4.)A guy reads a book about a talking gorilla and takes hostages at the Discovery Channel. Then the cops kill him. The news media interview the author of the gorilla book, marking the first time in 2 years they have interviewed someone who wrote something other than a book on why or why not the president is a socialist.

September:

1.) religious people ALMOST burn a religious book of other religious people. For some reason the media doesn’t equate this with Nazis. However healthcare still equals Nazis.

2.) The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell gets blocked in the Senate. John McCain plans on celebrating this, but by just thinking about it, he breaks his hip.

3.) Stephen Colbert testifies on Capitol Hill for something. People with a bug up their ass get all uppity about it, saying that his testimony mocks Congress, the US government, and the political process in general. Everyone else is like, “uh..yeah, no shit.”

October:

1.) Rahm Emanuel leaves to White House to be an asshole somewhere else.

2.)Despite the fact that it is 2010, people still celebrate Columbus Day. What the fuck?

3.) Christine O’Donnel, a Delaware Republican candidate for Senate, learns the hard way that if you dabble in witchcraft and wizardry of any kind, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Unless you are The Boy Who Lived. Then shit works out. Although you lose your parents and like half of your friends. But whatevs. You’re Harry Potter. You’ll get over it. wait, what were we talking about?

4.) NFL quarterback Brett Favre continues a long tradition of men who don’t understand that sending a woman a picture of your genitalia, is NOT an appropriate way to let them know you want to go steady.

5.) After over 2 months of being trapped in a mine, Chilean miners are finally rescued and brought to the surface. They are not paid for the time they were trapped and “not working”. That’s not a joke.

6.) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert host the “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear” on the National mall, finally proving what many of us have known for awhile: Liberals are just as annoying and stupid as conservatives. And with that joke, i lose everyone who reads the Huffington Post. taadaa!

November:

1.) the San Francisco Giants win the World Series. It is one of the lowest viewed major sporting events in recent history, proving that people love an underdog, but not when they are from a doomed city of Godless sodomites.

2.)The Republicans win control of the House of Representatives via the midterm elections, because people still think voting enacts change. For real! People STILL think that?!?!

3.) Former President George W. Bush releases a book, which means, assuming he actually wrote it, and therefore read each word as he wrote them, former President George W. Bush has ACTUALLY READ A BOOK. My mind just exploded. (Welcome back Huffington readers!)

4.) Prince Williams get engaged. Intelligent people everywhere are baffled by the fact that England STILL HAS PRINCES??!?!? Its ok though, he did have to prove his love by fighting a dragon, and beating a serf to death.

5.)North Korea gets all “North Korea” on South Korea.

6.) Bristol Palin proves she is the most talented member of the Palin family by placing second in a televised dance competition. Dreams really do come true.

7.)Tom Delay get convicted of being a total shit-head. Also for money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering. But mostly for being a shit-head.

8.) President Obama gets his ass kicked in a basketball game, and gets stitches. Liberals try to think of a way to blame Dick Cheney, but can’t. …which is exactly how Dick Cheney planned it. dun Dun DUN!!!!!

December:

1.) President Obama totally sells out and keeps the Bush Tax Cuts. Obama then reminds everyone that he already sold out by joining the Democratic Party in the first place, and taking part in American politics at all, so this really shouldn’t be a big deal.

2.) Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks gets arrested for sexual assault. Assange then wishes he had assaulted the women in the US, and not Sweden, so that instead of going to jail, he’d be going to the Superbowl.

3.) Elizabeth Edwards, former wife of full-time asshole John Edwards dies of cancer after a six year battle. Everyone with a pulse wishes a horrible horrible death on John. Seriously, fuck that guy.

4.) Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally repealed with the signing of the “We’re Running Out of People Who Are Willing To Get Shot At In Afghanistan, So I Guess Gay People Aren’t As Icky Anymore” Act.

January:

1.) Tunisian protesters start something that might change the world as we know it. in the background Billy Joel’s “we didn’t start the fire” constantly plays. Freedom and Billy Joel. It’s a combo that will never fail.

2.) I have a birthday. Other than my family only 5 people wish me a happy birthday. If you were not one of those 5 people, fuck you.

3.) Obama gives the State of the Union speech, an annual speech where the most powerful person in the world tries to pretend like they know what the sort of state their country is in. And since they make triple figures, have the strongest military ever at their command, and live in the most heavily guarded house in the entire world, they usually know whats going on with the rest of the country. they can "relate". Also, newly appointed speaker of the House John Boehner (its pronounced Boner. deal with it) cries a shit ton, and it gets all over his spray tan. Its pretty weird. He's like an aging Ken doll.

4.) Protests in Egypt make other world leaders wonder will happen to them when everyone else figures out this is all bullshit. Then they poop themselves. Its hilarious.

And there we are. We all up to date. Yes I skipped some pretty big stories. Some, because I thought they were too stupid to mention. Others, because they were too heartbreakingly awful for me to make jokes about. I’m an asshole, but not that much of an asshole.


So yeah. You wasted your life reading the news or something. That was the joke right? I can’t even remember. I don’t even want to post this anymore. Oh well.

and yes, that is a picture of me punching news in the face. i know. totally badass.