spreading the wealth and what that means.

i must say that frankly all the people freaking out over Obama's remarks about spreading the wealth or redistribution of wealth is surprising to me. when it comes down to it, i don't really understand how people can come off so obviously greedy. we're not talking about communism or socialism. i meant, we're not ever close to those ideas. we are are talking about a tax plan that won't effect the majority of America. when we talk about wealth i suppose there are a few different definitions we should clear up. some might think of wealth as excess money, more than is needed.

i wonder if Obama had worded it differently if people would have been so bold in jumping on it. had he said "we need to spread the food around" or "we need to spread the medicine or affordable housing around" would people still be able to come out and act on their worst impulses? would people in america be ready to admit to themselves and the world that they are selfish and don't want others to have what they have? when we say wealth, what are we talking about? do we think that the government is going to come and take away our car and give it to someone else?

is it too much to ask that those who have been privileged with "wealth" help those who have not?

there has always been a class war, and the fact that McCain has finally picked up on it, is encouraging. what is not is that he thinks it is a war waged on the upper class. the war has existed as long as there have been those with power and money, and those with none.

there is not a poverty problem in the world, there is a wealth problem. the problem is not that the man on the end of my street has no food. the problem is that i have more than enough food, but won't share any with him.

spread that wealth around mofo.

Coulter-rific!

So as everyone knows, ann coulter is a horrible person. she is full of hate, and is a facist, and blah blah blah. Being on the left and hating ann coulter is like being on the right and having a flag on your porch; cliche. but lately i have found something i like about her;

i think secretly, deep down, ann coulter wants to be a standup comedian.

in the past, she has made remarks that were supposed to be funny, and overall she tries to exude wit when appearing on TV shows. she usually fails, but hey, nobody is perfect. She has also made the complaint that while Sarah Silverman has said the word "fag" and gotten away with it, Coulter called John Edwards a "fag" and people were offended.

This got me thinking. Why on earth would Coulter choose Sarah Silverman as the name to even out the supposed injustice done to her? I mean really think about. Famous, and now dead, conservative voice William F. Buckley called people fags. Shit, he called Gore Vidal a fag on several occasions. So why on earth would Coulter think to first go to Sarah Silverman as her get out of jail free card? Why indeed?

The reason I keep coming back to is that she really wants to be considered a comedian. Because it really can't go both ways. You can't be a pundit AND a comedian. It just doesn't work. Not to mention its much easier to go from comedian to pundit, than the other way around. just ask Al Franken. or even someone like George Carlin.

Carlin is a favorite comedian of mine, especially now that he is older, and more pissed off. But when he goes on news shows and debates pundits about whatever issue they bring up, he blindsides them by being smarter and more articulate then they are.

Jon Stewart did this on his now legendary appearance on Crossfire. He showed up and they assumed he was gonna make some fart jokes and leave. And instead he verbally neck-punched them across the floor.

When comedians get serious, it works. When serious people try to get funny, it rarely works.

This is why Coulter's indignation is just so ridiculous. If somebody like Sean Hannity decided to go into the Patton Oswalt's "The Poetry of Pornography" bit in the middle of Hannity and Colmes, he would not be able to recover by using the defense "but Patton gets to say it!"

All this is to say that i have been reading Coulter's column lately, and it seems as though she is really trying to break into comedy. She recently compared Obama's "the audacity of hope" with Hitler's "Mein Kampf". Obviously she is either just being a shithead, or she is trying to be funny and shocking. but it isn't coming off as either.

while conservatives might have politics down to a science, liberals OWN comedy. i don't think this because i am left of center. i think this because its just the truth. I don't think Larry the Cable Guy is a unfunny because he is conservative, i think Larry the Cable Guy is unfunny because his jokes are shit. I don't think Coulter is unfunny because she is a facist devil-woman. I think she is unfunny because she doesn't think out her jokes. Her big punchline is just a shocking statement. She calls John Edwards a fag, and thats it. not setup, no follow through. i mean if she really wanted to go for the joke, why not call Edwards a fag, and then make a joke about his wife looking like man or something. i mean has comedy really gotten to the point where the punchline is calling somebody gay? no, comedy isn't there. it has moved past that. which is why Coulter needs to freshen up her act. so as a follower of good comedy, here are some suggestions for her:

1.)If you are gonna be offensive OWN IT.
nothing is more sad then seeing somebody say something super offensive and then backtracking. everybody knows Coulter is a cold-hearted demon, so she might as well take advantage of it.

2.)self-deprecation
for all the shit-talking, you'd better be able to take a few yourself. so why not take a page from the final scene of 8 Mile, and make fun of yourself before anyone else can.

3.)curse.
sorry, but its true. clean comedians are not funny. its not that not swearing isn't funny, its that limiting yourself isn't funny. also, if you curse you can open yourself up to a whole NEW type of offensive. for instance you can make fun of Edwards and not alienate your gay fans by instead of calling him a fag, calling him a "fucking asstractor". nobody knows what that means, AND you were offensive. well done you!

4.)make sure your jokes go deeper.
anybody can make a joke on the surface. a comedian goes below the surface. one of my biggest problems with the film Team America: World Police, was how unfunny the second half was. The first half was supposed to make fun of Conservatives and the second half was supposed to make fun of Liberals. The problem was not that it made fun of liberals. the problem was that is made fun of liberals BADLY. if you are gonna make fun of Michael Moore, and your biggest punchline is that he is fat, you need to start over. I mean really, I've enjoyed some of Michael Moore's stuff, but c'mon, of all the things you can make fun of the guy about, you go after his weight? weak.

5.)Realize that people will always hate you.
i am constantly shocked when Coulter gets on TV and then is mortified to find out that the entire country does not agree with her latest hate-filled rant. Quite often after this Coulter loses her cool, and loses place, and therefore has lost potential fans. Admit that what you said was vengeful, hateful speech. and explain that this is only because you are a vengeful hateful person.

so here it is, you read it HERE first. if Coulter becomes a standup comedian, i will take full credit. Don't be surprised if she does. Also, Anne Coulter is gay.