So believe it or not a few people have told me that they missed my blog. So I have decided to grace you sad bastards with my genius again. This is a joke. Nobody reads this. Assholes. Anyways since my last blog entry, shit has gone DOWN. No joke. Shit has literally gone down. I have IBS.Looking at my blog I realized that the last time I wrote something was August. It is now February. This is just unacceptable. My genius should be shared monthly at the very least. Frankly I think most people would be living better lives if my inner monologue was just pumped into their ears via some sort of mouth to ear sound pumping… thing. Shut up.
The last thing I wrote about was the “Ground Zero Mosque”. And as we all know, 6 months later, this is still a HUGE news story, proving the skeptics wrong: the media does NOT sensationalize stories for a news cycle, and then never report on them again once they’re no longer “fresh”.
Since I am at work and don’t have time to write a well thought out blog, and I going to give my adoring fans the next best thing: a quick not-thought-out rundown of the events of the last 6 months, up to today. What does this mean? It means you didn’t need to read the paper or watch the news for the last half year, because everything you needed to know will now be told to you via the curse-filled rants of sad, slightly overweight office rat. Way to waste your time. You could’ve spent that time doing anything else. But you didn’t you wasted it. you wasted minutes, nay, HOURS of you life. You’ll never get them back. That time is gone. Those moments of your life are dead to you. Moments you could’ve spent making art, reading literature, playing music, playing games, making out with a hotty, sitting in the woods, conversing with the universe. But instead you spent time reading and/or watching the news. And the whole time all you had to do was wait until early February and catch up on the last 6 months in 5 minutes. Sucks to be you.
So here it is, the rundown of all the news that mattered since August:
August:
1.)about ten days after my blog post, Glenn Beck has a rally to restore honor to something or something. Nobody who isn’t an asshole cares.
2.)President Obama announces that combat in Iraq is over and everything is awesome now. Around 50,000 American troops decide stay there for fun. I mean since combat is over, that must be why they're still there. Right?
3.)Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is released in theatres and is universally praised as the best movie ever made, ever. The movie proceeds to kick your ass, then your face, and then you assface.
4.)A guy reads a book about a talking gorilla and takes hostages at the Discovery Channel. Then the cops kill him. The news media interview the author of the gorilla book, marking the first time in 2 years they have interviewed someone who wrote something other than a book on why or why not the president is a socialist.
September:
1.) religious people ALMOST burn a religious book of other religious people. For some reason the media doesn’t equate this with Nazis. However healthcare still equals Nazis.
2.) The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell gets blocked in the Senate. John McCain plans on celebrating this, but by just thinking about it, he breaks his hip.
3.) Stephen Colbert testifies on Capitol Hill for something. People with a bug up their ass get all uppity about it, saying that his testimony mocks Congress, the US government, and the political process in general. Everyone else is like, “uh..yeah, no shit.”
October:
1.) Rahm Emanuel leaves to White House to be an asshole somewhere else.
2.)Despite the fact that it is 2010, people still celebrate Columbus Day. What the fuck?
3.) Christine O’Donnel, a Delaware Republican candidate for Senate, learns the hard way that if you dabble in witchcraft and wizardry of any kind, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Unless you are The Boy Who Lived. Then shit works out. Although you lose your parents and like half of your friends. But whatevs. You’re Harry Potter. You’ll get over it. wait, what were we talking about?
4.) NFL quarterback Brett Favre continues a long tradition of men who don’t understand that sending a woman a picture of your genitalia, is NOT an appropriate way to let them know you want to go steady.
5.) After over 2 months of being trapped in a mine, Chilean miners are finally rescued and brought to the surface. They are not paid for the time they were trapped and “not working”. That’s not a joke.
6.) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert host the “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear” on the National mall, finally proving what many of us have known for awhile: Liberals are just as annoying and stupid as conservatives. And with that joke, i lose everyone who reads the Huffington Post. taadaa!
November:
1.) the San Francisco Giants win the World Series. It is one of the lowest viewed major sporting events in recent history, proving that people love an underdog, but not when they are from a doomed city of Godless sodomites.
2.)The Republicans win control of the House of Representatives via the midterm elections, because people still think voting enacts change. For real! People STILL think that?!?!
3.) Former President George W. Bush releases a book, which means, assuming he actually wrote it, and therefore read each word as he wrote them, former President George W. Bush has ACTUALLY READ A BOOK. My mind just exploded. (Welcome back Huffington readers!)
4.) Prince Williams get engaged. Intelligent people everywhere are baffled by the fact that England STILL HAS PRINCES??!?!? Its ok though, he did have to prove his love by fighting a dragon, and beating a serf to death.
5.)North Korea gets all “North Korea” on South Korea.
6.) Bristol Palin proves she is the most talented member of the Palin family by placing second in a televised dance competition. Dreams really do come true.
7.)Tom Delay get convicted of being a total shit-head. Also for money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering. But mostly for being a shit-head.
8.) President Obama gets his ass kicked in a basketball game, and gets stitches. Liberals try to think of a way to blame Dick Cheney, but can’t. …which is exactly how Dick Cheney planned it. dun Dun DUN!!!!!
December:
1.) President Obama totally sells out and keeps the Bush Tax Cuts. Obama then reminds everyone that he already sold out by joining the Democratic Party in the first place, and taking part in American politics at all, so this really shouldn’t be a big deal.
2.) Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks gets arrested for sexual assault. Assange then wishes he had assaulted the women in the US, and not Sweden, so that instead of going to jail, he’d be going to the Superbowl.
3.) Elizabeth Edwards, former wife of full-time asshole John Edwards dies of cancer after a six year battle. Everyone with a pulse wishes a horrible horrible death on John. Seriously, fuck that guy.
4.) Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally repealed with the signing of the “We’re Running Out of People Who Are Willing To Get Shot At In Afghanistan, So I Guess Gay People Aren’t As Icky Anymore” Act.
January:
1.) Tunisian protesters start something that might change the world as we know it. in the background Billy Joel’s “we didn’t start the fire” constantly plays. Freedom and Billy Joel. It’s a combo that will never fail.
2.) I have a birthday. Other than my family only 5 people wish me a happy birthday. If you were not one of those 5 people, fuck you.
3.) Obama gives the State of the Union speech, an annual speech where the most powerful person in the world tries to pretend like they know what the sort of state their country is in. And since they make triple figures, have the strongest military ever at their command, and live in the most heavily guarded house in the entire world, they usually know whats going on with the rest of the country. they can "relate". Also, newly appointed speaker of the House John Boehner (its pronounced Boner. deal with it) cries a shit ton, and it gets all over his spray tan. Its pretty weird. He's like an aging Ken doll.
4.) Protests in Egypt make other world leaders wonder will happen to them when everyone else figures out this is all bullshit. Then they poop themselves. Its hilarious.
And there we are. We all up to date. Yes I skipped some pretty big stories. Some, because I thought they were too stupid to mention. Others, because they were too heartbreakingly awful for me to make jokes about. I’m an asshole, but not that much of an asshole.
So yeah. You wasted your life reading the news or something. That was the joke right? I can’t even remember. I don’t even want to post this anymore. Oh well.
and yes, that is a picture of me punching news in the face. i know. totally badass.
