Your Life: the video game!!!

Do you remember when you could play video games and not have to worry about...well anything?
video games have always been a nice form of escapism for me. be it the girl in junior high who didn't like me, or the pain from knowing that girl didn't like me, or the nightly sob-fests from thinking about the girl who didn't like me, video games could always step into my sad little world and say "why are you crying? you're not a loser! you are a gigantic toad carrying a battle axe!"
or maybe it would say, "the teachers think you aren't smart? thats interesting, since you just SAVED THE HUMAN FUCKING RACE FROM ALIENS!"
or "nobody likes you? well too bad for them, because you just put a whole bunch of colored blocks on other colored blocks to make them disappear!

for whatever reason, my life is just not as exciting as video games. if a video game was made of my life, it would be called "Sad Guy" .

it would consist of only one level, where each morning i would wake up at the crack of noon, take a super long pee, eat something left over from the night before, tell myself i should read, but actually go online for a fews hours where i get depressed about how everyone else's life is more exciting than mine, watch TV, eat more food, drink some beer, fall asleep. sounds riveting right? and here's the best part of the game: you never win, you just do it over and over until you turn 40 and then wonder why you're not "punk" anymore.

if only there was a way to play a video game, and then live that out in real life....

there is a way!!!! at the THE ARMY EXPERIENCE CENTER!!!!!!!

thats right, at a mall in Philly you can have the experience of both playing video games, AND throwing your life away, AT THE SAME TIME!!!

in this high-tech facility, you can test your patriotism by getting into a real HUMVEE on front of a huge screen and shooting at "the bad guys". How will you know that bad guys? they're the ones with the guns, obviously. unless they show up at an Obama rally, then they are just normal citizens exercising their rights, to be assholes and get on the news.

but don't forget, just like in the real Army, if you shoot civilians, you lose points. not that those points actually mean anything. just like in real life, nobody counts how many "civilian lives" or "points" get taken away by the US Army. so not a real big deal. but still.... try not to aim at kids, ok?

what's this? we can get into a helicopter?!?!?!? and shoot people?!?!?! AMAZING!!!!!!!!

oh wait i forgot...its just a video game. poop.
But is it?!?!? After all the helicopter does have the illusion of being at a height where you can't actually see who you're hitting, but at least you know you're killing people!


But i thought real soldiers were gonna be here. i want to talk to actual heroes! Well guess what ya little statistic?!?! the AEC is fucking chock full of recruiters who are desperate to get some kid to sign his life away just as long as they themselves don't have to go back to that god-forsaken land! YAY! America!

and the best part? the soldiers are dressed like they work at Best Buy, because nothing says "real american hero" like khakis and a polo. Kids aren't stupid these days, they know when they are being sold something. But luckily they don't know when they are SELLING something. like their souls.


Sure this all sounds cool, but I'm someone who is more influenced by famous people. well guess what?!?!?! the AEC has had some famous visitors as well! random-ass NFL players showed up to play video games against actual soldiers at the " Which of us are Worse Role Models?" Tournament.

Also, Playboy model and 2008 "Cyber Girl of the Year" Jo Garcia stopped by the AEC to once again let girls know that while they technically are allowed to enlist, we'd all really prefer it if they'd just remain sexual objects.

but here is the most exciting part!

everyone who goes to the AEC has the option of taking the "life of a solider" tour. if you're wealthy, you get to take the "life of a commanding officer tour". if you're gay you get to take the "killing kids is ok, destroying countries, no biggie. and yet somehow in this day in age we just can't wrap our heads around this whole "gay" thing" tour.


on the "life of a soldier" tour, you follow the life of "Jimmy" a kid who just wanted to go to college, but didn't have the money. you start in a mall, where Jimmy is cornered by Army recruiters. There, they tell him that (if he lives) the army will pay for his college (if he lives) and set him up for life (if he lives), and give him the job training he needs to succeed, if in fact he lives.

in the next room of the tour, Jimmy says goodbye to his parents. its quite emotional, and a Creed song plays in the background while Jimmy walks away. from there you get to see him humiliated at boot camp, where angry pieces of shit yell at him and call him "faggot". after his spirit is gone, he learns how to become an emotionless machine. during this montage, "Eye of the Tiger" plays. soon he is deployed to a country he has never heard of fighting "rebels" he has never heard of for reasons he doesn't understand. the "rebels" turn out to be normal people from the town he is deployed to who just want to live in peace. but he kills them anyway. in SLOW MOTION! during this "Hey Hey We're the Monkees" is played. its very "art-house"

after being redeployed several times, Jimmy comes home to a family he doesn't recognize, a world he can't relate to, and a life he doesn't want.
at that point, the tour speeds up 30 years and those on the tour are brought outside to the alley behind mall, where they can see IN PERSON the real-life Jimmy, collecting cans in a shopping cart. the recruiters then let everyone know that "We take care of our Vets! but not actually"

but speaking of real American heroes, the AEC is screening the live-action movie "G.I. JOE: the Rise of Cobra" tonight!!!! for FREE!!! it stars that guy from the mummy, that guy from that dance movie, that guy from "Brick" who should know better, the British girl who can't act, that guy who who was in "Inner Space", one of the Wayans brothers, and that guy from the Acura ads! its a veritable who's who of people nobody gives a shit about!

i know what you are all saying, "that sounds great!!!! i want to join the Army!" but this is a big decision. and you really need to think about whether or not you want to be a hero, or a commie piece of shit. those are you choices.

no pressure.


go joe!